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405: Being From Another Planet

by Sean Marten

As Isis, the god of love. –Isis, oh Isis.
Isis was an important figure in the religious traditions of ancient Egypt. Considered the ideal of femininity, Isis was the sister/wife of Osiris and the mother of Horus, and was herself worshipped as the goddess of fertility and magic. “Isis, oh Isis” is a line from the Bob Dylan song “Isis,” from his 1976 album Desire. Sample lyrics: “Isis, oh Isis, you mystical child/What drives me to you is what drives me insane …”

James Karen? Boy, he as an identity problem.
James Karen (1923-2018) was a veteran American character actor with over 200 roles on his resume. His film work ranged from well received dramas such as The China Syndrome (1979) to schlocky horror movies such as The Return of the Living Dead (1985), but the bulk of his work was small parts in TV dramas. He was also known as “Mr. Pathmark,” thanks to the hundreds of TV and radio commercials he did over 20 years for the Pathmark supermarket chain.  

This is just like the beginning of Mannequin, one of my favorite films.
Mannequin is a 1987 romantic comedy starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall as a department store clerk who falls in love with a mannequin that then comes to life. Specifically, it is inhabited by the spirit of a woman from ancient Egypt, where the film opens. Mannequin clearly had an impact on the writers; it is mentioned in a number of episodes, including Show 211, First Spaceship on Venus, and Show 403, City Limits (which also starred Cattrall).

Say, could you introduce me to Shari Belafonte-Harper?
Shari Belafonte (she dropped the “Harper” after her divorce from ad executive Robert Harper in 1988) is an American actress, writer, model, and singer, and the daughter of singer Harry Belafonte (see note below). She is best known for playing reception manager Julie Gillette on the TV series Hotel (1983-1988) and as a spokesperson for the diet supplement SlimFast.

Sounds like the Foley guy opened a mic.
Named for Universal Pictures employee Jack Donovan Foley (1891-1967), who developed the basic techniques, Foley artists are sound technicians who specialize in creating sounds with physical objects, in sync with the action in a film, to make it seem more realistic. Typical effects include walking on various surfaces to simulate the sound of footsteps and hitting various objects, such as melons or a cut of beef, to imitate the sound of blows in a fight scene.

Number nine … number nine … we are standing still.
Lyrics from the song “Revolution 9” by The Beatles, which appears on the 1968 album The Beatles (a.k.a. “The White Album”). It is eight minutes and twenty-two seconds long, the longest track the group ever released, and was performed by John Lennon, Yoko Ono, and George Harrison. Although the composer credit reads “Lennon/McCartney,” Paul McCartney tried to persuade Lennon to drop it from the album. The composition includes odd musical sweeps, random noises, distortion, and the repeated phrase “Number nine, number nine ...” as well as the line “They are standing still.” The song also fueled the “Paul is dead” rumors that were circulating at the time of its release, because the “number nine” part of the track sounds like “Turn me on, dead man” when played backwards.

You know, guys, this sounds like Jerry Garcia’s first album.
Jerry Garcia (1942-1995) was a singer, songwriter, lead guitarist, and reluctant spokesperson for the American rock band the Grateful Dead. His first album as a solo artist, titled Garcia, was released in 1972.

Oh, it’s the Shroud of Turin. 
The Shroud of Turin was for centuries an object of veneration in the Roman Catholic Church. Purported to be the winding cloth of Jesus Christ, the length of cloth bore a faint image of a man with the marks of nails through the wrists, whip marks on the back, and lacerations around the head, as if from a crown of thorns. Numerous tests over the years to determine its authenticity proved inconclusive, but carbon dating in 1988 finally showed that the shroud dated only to about the 13th or 14th century C.E. The Catholic Church currently maintains a neutral position on the shroud’s authenticity.

“The north wall is going!” North wall, they must be in a trailer home during a tornado.
Trailer homes have notoriously suffered massive damage (and loss of life) during tornadic storms. Nearly 40 percent of all deaths attributed to tornadoes have occurred in mobile homes, according to the National Weather Service. Mobile homes are lightweight and often inadequately anchored to their foundation (if they even have one), so they are uniquely vulnerable to damage by tornadoes. For almost a century (since 1887, when it was published in the then-definitive work Tornadoes by John Park Finley), the belief was that the southwest corner of your house, whether in the basement or aboveground, was the safest place to be during a tornado. Studies in the 1960s showed that the safest place to be was the opposite direction from the tornado’s path of approach: if it came from the southwest, take cover in the northeast, and so on. During a 1903 tornado in Georgia, more than 500 people took shelter in the northeast corner of a mill as the funnel approached from the southwest; that area of the building was the only part left standing.

Tom Kennedy. [Imitating.] By the end of this decade, you will host a game show.
Tom Kennedy (b. James Narz; 1927-2020) was an American TV personality best known as the host of such game shows as You Don’t Say! (1963-1969, 1975), Split Second (1972-1975), and Name That Tune (1974-1981). John F. Kennedy (1917-1963), who is being imitated here, was the 35th president of the United States, from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. He ramped up the “Space Race” with a speech at Rice University in 1962 in which he declared, “I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the Moon and returning him safely to the Earth.”

“I’m okay, I’m all right.” I’m okay, you’re okay. –We’re all okay.
I’m OK, You’re OK is a best-selling self-help book published in 1967 by Thomas Anthony Harris. It is essentially a practical guide to transactional analysis, which integrates elements of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy in a form that is more accessible and shorter term than traditional therapy methods. 

Last tomb on the left.
The Last House on the Left is a 1972 film by horrormeister Wes Craven about two teenage girls, Mari and Phyllis, who are raped and murdered by a gang of psychopaths, and the vengeance wreaked on the gang by Mari’s parents. It was remade in 2009; this version was directed by Dennis Iliadis (and produced by Craven).

Thong?
Thong (played by Chen Wong) was the silent companion of Ator (Miles O’Keeffe) in Show 301, Cave Dwellers.

[Imitating.] Indy! Throw me the whip! –[Whispered.] Throw me the idol.
Dialogue from the 1981 action film Raiders of the Lost Ark, directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Harrison Ford. During the opening action sequence, set in an ancient Peruvian temple, Indiana Jones (Ford) is forced to bargain to escape one of the temple’s numerous death traps (although Indy actually says "Give me the whip!"). But his traitorous guide Satipo (a very, very young Alfred Molina) takes the idol and abandons him to his fate.

[Imitating.] Norton? You in there?
An imitation of pioneering TV comedian Jackie Gleason in his role as Ralph Kramden, calling out to his pal Ed Norton, played by Art Carney. Ralph was a bus driver, and Ed was a sewer worker; the characters first appeared beginning in 1951 in a series of sketches titled “The Honeymooners” on the DuMont Network’s Cavalcade of Stars and later on CBS’s The Jackie Gleason Show from 1952 to 1955. The Honeymooners also ran as a half-hour sitcom on CBS in 1955, lasting only one season. The characters continued to appear off and on in sketches on other shows and TV specials until 1978. 

Is this a Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew mystery?
Joe and Frank Hardy, a.k.a. the Hardy Boys, are the teenage heroes of a series of children’s mysteries which first appeared in 1927. They were created by Edward Stratemeyer (1862-1930); the books were actually written by several different authors using the pseudonym Franklin W. Dixon. In 1977, ABC launched a TV show based on the books (and on the similar series for girls, Nancy Drew), The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries. The show aired for three seasons, until 1979, and starred Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy as Frank and Joe Hardy, respectively, and Pamela Sue Martin as Nancy Drew. Poking around in the dark with flashlights was a common occurrence on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mirage Hotel proudly presents Siegfried and Roy.
The Mirage is a huge resort hotel and casino on the Las Vegas Strip. Between 1990 and 2003 it was the hosting venue for Siegfried & Roy: Siegfried Fischbacher (1939-2021) and Roy Horn (1944-2020) were German-born entertainers known for their Las Vegas magic show featuring white tigers. In 2003, Horn was mauled and critically injured by one of their tigers. In 2009, after more than five years’ hiatus due to Horn’s injuries, they staged a final performance, and in 2010 they officially retired. Horn died of Covid during the pandemic, and his partner followed less than a year later from pancreatic cancer.

Scooby?
Scooby-Doo is the name of the anthropomorphic Great Dane that first appeared in the animated television series Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! (CBS/ABC, 1969-1970, 1978). He was voiced by Don Messick. The show spawned several other series, TV movies, videos, and live-action films. 

It’s Alias Smith and Jones.
Alias Smith and Jones is a TV western that aired on ABC from 1971 to 1973. Beginning as an ABC Movie of the Week called The Young Country, the series starred Ben Murphy, star of Being From Another Planet, and Pete Duel as cousins and former outlaws in the Old West who are trying to go straight.

Whoa, there’s Pete Duel. [Groans.] –Oh, I know …
When Pete Duel (1940-1971), who was reportedly drinking heavily and suffering from depression, committed suicide at the end of 1971, Alias Smith and Jones’ producers wanted to shut down. However, ABC threatened to sue them. So they hastily cast narrator Roger Davis as Duel’s replacement and resumed production 12 hours after his death, leading to much criticism in the press. The show ran for another 17 episodes, but it never regained its popularity after Duel’s loss.

I’m Leonard Nimoy, in search of … my career.
Leonard Nimoy (1931-2015) was an American actor best known for his portrayal of the half-Vulcan science officer of the USS Enterprise, Mr. Spock, in the 1966-1969 NBC series Star Trek, the 1972-1973 animated series, and many feature films. Between 1977 and 1982 he narrated the syndicated TV series In Search of …, which explored mysterious or unexplained phenomena. 

No, it’s the Wayne Newton insignia.
Wayne Newton is an American singer who has only had a few radio hits, most notably 1963’s “Danke Schoen.” But in Las Vegas, where he has performed for decades, he is one of the most popular (and highest-grossing) entertainers in the city’s history. In a nod to his partly Native American ancestry, promotional artwork for his shows often involves Native American imagery, including eagles.

[Lightsaber sound effects.]
The lightsaber, an energy sword powered by a kyber crystal, is the weapon of choice for the Jedi and the Sith in the Star Wars universe created by filmmaker George Lucas. Their distinctive sound was created by sound designer Ben Burtt, combining the humming noise made by old movie projector motors with the buzzing noise caused by TV interference with a microphone.

Did ancient astronauts leave this rock? Read the book.
A reference to the theory that intelligent extraterrestrial beings visited Earth in prehistory and may have influenced human culture, technology, and religion. The term “ancient astronauts” was coined by Swiss author Erich von Däniken in his popular 1968 book Chariots of the Gods?, in which he postulated that the pyramids of ancient Egypt were built with extraterrestrial assistance. “Read the book …” was a catchphrase from TV commercials for the paranormal book series Mysteries of the Unknown, published between 1987 and 1991 by Time-Life Books. From one of the ads: “It talks about … aliens interbreeding with ancient Peruvians. –Did they? –Read the book!”

Lovejoy, on A&E.
Lovejoy is a British TV series about an antiques dealer who continually finds himself involved in mysteries. Starring Ian McShane in the title role, it originally aired on BBC1 from 1986-1994. In the U.S., it ran on A&E beginning in 1987, as part of A&E’s Suspense! series.

Hi, I’m Martha Raye, the big mouth.
Martha Raye (1916-1994) was an American singer and actress whose star rose in the early days of television and was honored for her service to U.S. troops through USO tours in three wars: World War II, Korea, and Vietnam. Her facial proportions earned her the nickname “The Big Mouth.” She closed out her career as the spokesperson for Polident denture cleanser: in 1980s Polident commercials, Raye introduced herself by using her nickname.

[Imitating.] My boss, Mr. Hart.
An impression of Max, the chauffeur, butler, and all-around investigative enabler of Jonathan and Jennifer Hart on the TV mystery series Hart to Hart (ABC, 1979-1984). The show’s intro featured narration from Max, which began with “This is my boss, Jonathan Hart ...” over footage of a private jet taking off. Max was played by Lionel Stander. Robert Wagner and Stefanie Powers played the title roles: a wealthy couple who were also amateur private investigators.

[Sung.] It’s file tape … of a jet plane …
“Leaving on a Jet Plane” is a 1966 song written by John Denver and recorded for his demo debut. It was recorded by the Mitchell Trio and Spanky & Our Gang in 1967 before it was most famously covered by Peter, Paul & Mary that same year. However, the song didn’t become a hit for them until 1969, when it was released as a single. (Trivia note: John Denver was IN the Mitchell Trio, back when he was a virtually unknown songwriter.) Denver included the song again on his debut studio album, Rhymes & Reasons, and released it as a single in 1969, and it promptly sank without a trace.

Bracken’s World.
Bracken’s World (NBC, 1969-1970) was a TV drama about the reclusive head of a movie studio and the group of starlets in his orbit. The title role was played by Warren Stevens in the first season and Leslie Nielsen in the second season.

Guests of King Tut stay at the California Institute of the Sciences. 
In the early seasons of Saturday Night Live (1975-present), announcer Don Pardo made a standard announcement that “Guests of Saturday Night Live stay at the Essex House, overlooking beautiful Central Park.” That was frequently parodied during SNL’s “Weekend Update,” in which Pardo would announce that guests stay at the “Blaine Hotel,” followed by a news story about another horrible murder at the Blaine Hotel. Tutankhamun, popularly known as King Tut, was a pharaoh in the 18th dynasty of ancient Egypt. He ruled between approximately 1333 and 1323 B.C.E., in the period known as the New Kingdom. He assumed the throne around the age of nine, and ruled until his death at around age 19. Tutankhamun was a relatively insignificant pharaoh, but to us he is the best known of them all, due to the 1922 discovery by British archaeologist Howard Carter of his nearly intact tomb, laden with treasure and artifacts. The discovery sparked popular interest in ancient Egypt and has continued to do so ever since, as the bejeweled artifacts have toured the world’s museums.

Hey, it’s Elly May up there.
Elly May Clampett is a character from the American sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies (ABC, 1962-1971); the role was played by Donna Douglas. The only child of clan patriarch Jed Clampett and his wife Rose Ellen (who was already deceased by the time the show aired), Elly is a beautiful blonde who can pitch a fastball and out-wrestle most men with equal facility. She cannot, however, cook.

Oh, look. It’s, uh, Harry Belafonte. –Shari. –Shari Belafonte. 
Harry Belafonte (1927-2023) was an American singer who made calypso music popular with a wider audience; his most famous song is a recording of the traditional Jamaican folk song “Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)”, released in 1956. He was also an actor, appearing in films like Carmen Jones (1954) and Island in the Sun (1957), and a civil rights activist who provided financial support to Martin Luther King Jr. and helped organize the 1963 March on Washington, among many other activities. Shari Belafonte-Harper (see above note) is his daughter; his other daughter, Adrienne, founded an organization that does humanitarian work in southern Africa.

Hey, Scott Baio.
Scott Baio is an American actor who is best known for playing Chachi on the TV sitcom Happy Days (ABC, 1974-1984) for eight years and continuing the part on the short-lived series Joanie Loves Chachi (ABC, 1982). He also played the title character in the TV show Charles in Charge (CBS, 1984-1990).

[Sung.] Baiiii-o! [Spoken.] Cause of the Belafonte …
“Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)” is a traditional Jamaican folk song most famously recorded by Harry Belafonte in 1956 (see above note). His single, in fact, started the calypso craze in the U.S. Actual lyrics: “Day-o, day-o/Daylight come and me wan’ go home.”

[Sung.] Theme from The Bob Newhart Show.
The theme song to The Bob Newhart Show, which ran on CBS from 1972 to 1978, is titled “Home to Emily,” and was composed by Lorenzo Music. Comedian Bob Newhart played a long-suffering Chicago psychologist dealing with a roster of wacky patients, eccentric fellow office workers, and a level-headed but sarcastic wife (played by Suzanne Pleshette). The opening montage that accompanied the theme was shots of Newhart making his way through the urban canyons of downtown Chicago, ultimately zooming in on a window of an apartment building. Newhart also starred in a TV variety show also called The Bob Newhart Show (NBC, 1961-1962) and another sitcom called Newhart (CBS, 1982-1990).

Looks like ABBA in college. –That’s the name of the game.
ABBA was a Swedish pop group that formed in 1972. They enjoyed massive worldwide success between 1975 and their breakup in 1982, with such hits as “Mamma Mia,” “Dancing Queen,” and, of course, 1977s “The Name of the Game.” The group reunited in 2016 and five years later released their first new album in four decades, Voyage.

You’re about to enter the field of forensic medicine.
A line from the opening credits of the TV show Quincy, M.E., spoken by Jack Klugman, who played the title character, a medical examiner. He’s facing a line of police cadets over a sheet-covered body: “Gentlemen, you are about to enter the fascinating sphere of police work: the world of forensic medicine” [flips off sheet]. Two men run off to vomit. [Quincy picks up huge needle.] Third man faints. [He readies his rotary saw.] Room has emptied completely. Quincy looks at his saw, perplexed.

[Sung.] Operation!
Operation is a classic children’s game first produced by Milton Bradley in 1965 (and now made by Hasbro) in which players use tweezers to remove plastic “organs” from tiny cavities in the “patient.” If the tweezers brush sensors around the edges of the cavities, a buzzer sounds and the player loses his or her turn. An ad for the game that ran for a long time starting in the 1960s featured a woman singing “Operation!” very operatically and dramatically.

“Ankh ben Horus.” No, Joan Van Ark.
Joan Van Ark is an American actress best known for her role as Valene Ewing in the primetime soap opera Knots Landing (CBS, 1979-1993). The show was a spinoff of Dallas (1978-1991), on which she also occasionally appeared as Valene, and when Dallas was revived from 2012-2014, she played the character on that show as well.

Why, it’s Shelley Long and Henry Winkler in Camp Goofy, coming this summer.
Shelley Long is an American actress who has been in such films as Irreconcilable Differences (1984) and The Brady Bunch Movie (1995), but she is perhaps best known for her Emmy-winning role as Diane Chambers in the sitcom Cheers (NBC, 1982-1993). Henry Winkler is an American actor who also starred in several films (The Lords of Flatbush [1974], Night Shift [1982]) but is best known for a sitcom role: that of “Fonzie” on Happy Days (ABC, 1974-1984). More recently he has appeared on such TV shows as Arrested Development (2003-2006, 2013-1019) and Barry (2018-2023). There is no film titled Camp Goofy, but Long and Winkler did star together in Night Shift.

The Alan Parsons Project. Tales of Mystery and Imagination. 
The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band known for such early 1980s radio hits as “Eye in the Sky” and “Games People Play.” Their 1976 debut album is titled Tales of Mystery and Imagination and featured songs inspired by the stories and poems of Edgar Allan Poe. The album’s cover features a man’s head wrapped in audiotape in a manner suggesting a mummy.

Hey, check it out, Wayne Gretzky.
Called “the greatest hockey player ever” by many sportswriters—or simply “The Great One”—Canadian center Wayne Gretzky played 20 seasons in the NHL for four teams between 1979 and 1999, but is best known for his ten years with the Edmonton Oilers. Under Gretzky, the Oilers became the highest-scoring team in the league and won four Stanley Cup championships.

Rubbermaid or Tupperware?
Rubbermaid was founded as Wooster Rubber in Ohio in 1920. They originally sold balloons, but in the ’20s, James and Madeleine Caldwell began experimenting with making kitchen products from rubber, such as a dustpan, a soap dish, and a sink plug, and branded them Rubbermaid. In 1933 James began selling the dustpan door to door, and it proved so popular that the by-then struggling Wooster Rubber offered him its manufacturing facilities. The companies merged under the Rubbermaid name the following year. Today, they are known for their sturdy garbage and food storage containers. Tupperware is a brand of plastic storage containers that are traditionally sold at “Tupperware parties,” in which a sales representative (usually a woman; just 5 percent of Tupperware salespeople are men) makes her pitch to a group (again, usually women) gathered at someone’s home. The first Tupperware party was held in 1948, Tupperware Brands Corporation filed for bankruptcy in 2024.

Oh, not my color, I’m definitely a Fall.
Seasonal color analysis is a concept, especially popular during the 1980s, that classifies people into one of four seasons depending on things like hair color, eye color, skin tones, etc. The goal is to discover which colors of clothing, types of makeup, home décor, and so on will complement you best. Seasonal color analysis has its roots in Johann Itten, a Swiss artist and art teacher, whose 1961 book The Art of Color looked at different approaches to understanding color, and specifically associated certain colors with the different seasons of the year. The most popular book on seasonal color analysis published in the 1980s was Color Me Beautiful by Carole Jackson.

“Michael?” Row your boat ashore.
 “Michael Row Your Boat Ashore,” also known as “Michael Row the Boat Ashore,” is a traditional spiritual sung by slaves during the American Civil War (1861-1865). There are a number of variations, but all contain the line “Michael row your/the boat ashore, hallelujah.”

All right, now mix me up a pitcher of Gin Gibsons. –Don’t forget the onion.
A Gibson is a cocktail consisting of gin or vodka with a small amount of vermouth, shaken or stirred with ice, and then strained into a cocktail glass. It is essentially identical to a martini, but it is considered a Gibson when garnished with a tiny pickled cocktail onion instead of an olive or lemon twist. Early recipes further distinguished the drink by adding bitters, but modern versions omit this.

Why’d they send the mummy to Pine City Vo-Tech?
Pine City is a small eastern Minnesota city (pop. c. 3,100 as of the 2020 census) that is the proud home of Pine Technical and Community College, a.k.a. Pine Tech. 

Medical Center. In the evening.
Medical Center (CBS, 1969-1976) was a TV drama set in a Los Angeles hospital, starring Chad Everett as a young, brilliant surgeon. The show’s credits opened with a helicopter shot of an urban hospital complex.

And now, Trapper John, M.D. –Boy, Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center.
Trapper John, M.D. (CBS, 1979-1986) was a TV series that starred Pernell Roberts in the title role as the chief of surgery at a San Francisco hospital. Although the show was a standalone series, the character had previously appeared on the TV show M*A*S*H (where he was played by Wayne Rogers) and in the 1970 original film M*A*S*H (with Elliott Gould in the role). The producer of the film, Ingo Preminger, successfully sued 20th Century Fox in 1987 to claim a percentage of the profits from the show. See also previous note on Medical Center.

Well, look at this! Steelies and aggies!
These are both types of marbles. True steelies, according to the connoisseurs, are made from a sheet of steel that has been folded into a sphere, and has a telltale cross where the corners of the sheet meet. Cheaper steelies are simply mass-manufactured ball bearings. Aggies can be made of agate stone or glass formed to resemble agate.

Dear Aunt Nefertiti, thanks for the socks?
Neferneferuaten Nefertiti (1370-1330 B.C.E.) was the wife of Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten. Some historians believe she briefly ruled Egypt prior to Tutankhamun’s (see above note) accession to the throne. A painted limestone bust of Nefertiti, discovered in 1912 and credited to the sculptor Thutmose (c. 1350 B.C.E.) is one of the best known and most copied artistic works of ancient Egypt. Nefertiti was Tutankhamun’s stepmother, by the way; he was the son of Akhenaten and a lesser wife, known mysteriously as “The Younger Lady.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Aladdin Hotel proudly presents Kirby Van Burch and Prophets of Magic!
Kirby Van Burch was an American magician, nicknamed “the Prince of Magic,” who headlined at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas for seven years in the 1980s. Later he performed for many years in Branson, eventually opening his own theater there, with a show that included white tigers, panthers, and a rapidly materializing helicopter. But the theater closed in 2014, the great cats were moved to a sanctuary the following year, and Van Burch appears to be retired, at least for the time being.

This ZZ Top poster’s gonna look boss in here.
ZZ Top is a blues-rock trio founded in 1969 in Houston, Texas. Known for their lush, majestic beards as well as their hit songs, which include “Sharp Dressed Man” and “Legs,” they maintained the same lineup for more than fifty years, until bassist Dusty Hill’s death in 2021—setting a record for popular music bands. ZZ Top was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2004, and they continue to record and perform.

Victor Buono.
Victor Buono (1938-1982) was an American actor famous for playing bad guys. He is best known for his role as the villainous King Tut in the TV series Batman (ABC, 1966-1968). He also had a recurring role as the brilliant but evil Count Manzeppi on the TV show The Wild Wild West (CBS, 1965-1969) and appeared in such films as What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) and Hush … Hush, Sweet Charlotte (1964).

Finally, the Warren Commission files.
The Warren Commission was the presidential panel established to investigate the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in 1963; it determined that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone when he shot Kennedy in Dallas, Texas, although many people are still convinced a larger conspiracy was involved. The files used by the commission have slowly been released over the years, beginning with thousands of pages of supporting documentation accompanying the report itself, in 1964. Further releases over the years, including a large tranche of more than 13,000 documents made available in 2021, and another 2,672 documents released in 2023, mean that 99 percent of the commission’s files have been made public as of this writing (late 2024). 

An ACE Award? What’s that doing in there?
ACE is an acronym for Award for Cable Excellence, and the CableACE Awards, or just ACE Awards, were created in 1978 by the National Cable Television Association as a highly redundant (Cable Award for Cable Excellence Award) answer to the Primetime Emmy Awards, which back then only acknowledged broadcast programming. They were discontinued in 1998, since the Emmys had already included cable shows for a decade by that point. The trophy itself features a crystal “ace of spades.” MST3K was nominated eight times in various categories between 1992 and 1997, but it failed to notch any wins.

Huh, Travel Yahtzee.
Yahtzee is a popular dice game from Milton Bradley/Hasbro, in which players use five dice (and multiple dice rolls) to rack up points by achieving certain combinations. A Yahtzee means all five dice come up the same number. MB introduced a travel version of the game in the early 1970s.

Hey, it’s Tim Matheson, and he loves the ladies.
Tim Matheson is an American actor more recently known for his role as Vice President John Hoynes on The West Wing (NBC, 1999-2006), but referenced here for his portrayal of smooth-talking ladies’ man Eric “Otter” Stratton in the 1978 comedy National Lampoon’s Animal House.

[Imitating.] What has it got in its pocketses, gollum, gollum …
An imitation of Gollum, a character in J.R.R. Tolkien’s fictional Middle Earth books. Gollum appears in both The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy and in their 2000s film adaptations, in which he was played by Andy Serkis. Gollum’s unique speech pattern pluralizes words and randomly repeats his own name at the end of sentences. Here, for instance, is some of his dialogue from Chapter 5 of The Hobbit: “Show the nassty little Baggins the way out, yes, yes. But what has it got in its pocketses, eh? Not string, precious, but not nothing. Oh no! gollum!”

Hmm, time for a Razzle. Candy or gum?
The front of a packet of Razzles answers that question: “First It’s Candy … Then It’s Gum.” They are fruit-flavored, disc-shaped candies that, when chewed, soften and turn into gum. They were first sold in 1966 by the Concord Confections company and are still available, although now they are produced by Tootsie Roll Industries.

[Sung.] Gold doubloons and pieces of eight, pieces of eight … [Whistles.]
A line from the theme song to “The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure,” a TV serial based on the first Hardy Boys mystery (see above note), The Tower Treasure. The 19-part serial starred Tim Considine and Tommy Kirk and ran on The Mickey Mouse Club children’s TV series in late 1956. Sample lyrics: “So now the gold and pieces of eight/All belong to Applegate/The chest is here/But, wait/Now where are those gold doubloons/And pieces of eight, pieces of eight, pieces of eight.”

Oh, he’s doing his paint-by-number clown.
Paint-by-number kits were a popular fad in the 1950s consisting of preprinted, color-coded canvases that the hobbyist filled in with paint; at the end, you would have a picture of The Last Supper or some other scene. The kits were the brain child of Max Klein of the Palmer Paint Company and commercial artist Dan Robbins, who introduced their Craft Master kits in 1951, and sold some $80 million worth over the next few years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jam Productions is proud to present the Black Moses of Soul … –[Sung.] Wakka-chukkas.
According to the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide: “It’s the first appearance of that now-favorite phrase on our show.” Jam Productions, based in Chicago, is a large independent producer of live entertainment, working with everyone from Aretha Franklin and the Grateful Dead to Adele. It was founded in 1972.”Black Moses of Soul” is a reference to American singer-songwriter and actor Isaac Hayes (1942-2008), whose 1971 double album is titled Black Moses, and there is a long out-of-print 1973 concert video titled The Black Moses of Soul.

[Sung.] I’m walkin’, yes, indeed, I’m talkin’ …
“I’m Walkin’” is an R&B song written by Fats Domino and Dave Bartholomew that was a number one hit for Domino in 1957. Sample lyrics: “I'm walkin’, yes indeed/And I’m talkin’ about you and me/I’m hopin’ that you’ll come back to me, yeah.”

[Sung.] Theme from Get Smart.
Get Smart (NBC/CBS, 1965-1970), a comedy television series that spoofed spy films, was created by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry. The show’s opening features a distinctive instrumental theme song (composed by Irving Szathmary) played over footage of hero Maxwell Smart (Don Adams) entering a secret spy headquarters through a long hallway filled with an elaborate series of doors. (The closing credit sequence showed him leaving through the same hallway as the doors whished shut behind him, with the last one closing on his nose.)

Lou Diamond Phillips in The Fifth Power.
Lou Diamond Phillips is an American actor known for such films as La Bamba (1987), Stand and Deliver (1988), and the poorly received (albeit profitable) 1990 horror film The First Power (not fifth).

Jimmy Smits.
Jimmy Smits is an American actor best known for his work on the 1980s TV legal drama L.A. Law and the 1990s TV cop drama NYPD Blue. His more recent notable work includes roles in the Star Wars prequels and a story arc in the Showtime series Dexter. But in the MST3K universe, his name is legend. Specifically, just his name. As explained in the ACEG: “This particular comment references a bizarre ad campaign for the box-office smash hit Switch with Ellen Barkin. A garden-variety ad until the very end when a new and different voice-over quickly tags on the words ‘Jimmy Smits.’ Not ‘starring Jimmy Smits’ or ‘with Jimmy Smits,’ just ‘Jimmy Smits.’ It was so strange, it caught our fancy and we had to refrain from doing it again and again and again.”

Dark Movie. A QM production.
Quinn Martin (1922-1987) was a prolific television producer in the 1950s, ‘60s, and ‘70s; his series included The Untouchables (ABC, 1959-1963) and The Fugitive (ABC, 1963-1967). For 21 years, he always had at least one series running on network TV, and at times as many as four at once. The phrase “A Quinn Martin [or QM] Production” was a familiar one to TV audiences for several decades.

Please, honey, not while I’m decoupaging. 
Decoupage is a decorative art in which an object such as a hatbox or small item of furniture is covered with small pieces of colored paper, gold leaf, or pictures or text cut out of magazines, which are glued in place and then covered with multiple layers of varnish. 

[Imitating.] Trumpy, you can do magic things! [Trumpy sounds.]
An often-repeated line of dialogue from Show 303, Pod People.

What, are you playing Hangman?
Hangman is a game played with paper and pencil, by two or more players. One player thinks of a word or phrase and draws a blank line for each of its letters. The other players suggest letters: each correct guess is written on the appropriate dash, and each incorrect guess becomes one element in a stick figure drawing of a man being hanged from a gallows: head, torso, arm, leg, etc. The game is over when either the word/phrase is completed (either one letter at a time, or by a player guessing the correct word/phrase) or the stick figure drawing is finished. 

Hey, look, an ancient Swingline … and a Rolodex.
Swingline is a manufacturer of staplers and hole punchers, founded in New York in 1925 but now based in Illinois, with all production done in Mexico. The red Swingline stapler has gained iconic status, thanks to the 1999 cult comedy film Office Space. The one seen in the movie was a standard Swingline spray-painted red, but after the movie became a sleeper hit, the company began making red ones. A Rolodex (a portmanteau of the words “rolling” and “index”) is a rotating index card holder used to store and quickly access business contact information. It was first sold by Arnold Neustadter, founder of office supply company Zephyr American, in 1956, and became so iconic that it has been preserved in the Smithsonian. Today they’ve been largely replaced by contact management software. 

Now was I Smith or Jones? I can’t remember, it’s been so long. 
See note on Alias Smith and Jones, above.

Oedipus, no!
The Greek legend of Oedipus is about a young prince who unknowingly grows up to fulfill a prophecy given at his birth that he will kill his father and marry his mother. In anguish over his fate, Oedipus gouges out his own eyes. 

Out, vile jelly.
A line from Act III, Scene 7 of Shakespeare’s play King Lear, in which Lear’s daughter Regan and her husband, the Duke of Cornwall, accuse the Earl of Gloucester of treason and blind him. The duke tears out the earl's eyes, saying, “Out, vile jelly! Where is thy lustre now?”

Ahh! ABC Movie of the Week!
The ABC Movie of the Week was a weekly anthology of made-for-TV movies that ran from 1969-1975. Among its more memorable installments were Duel (1971), by then-unknown director Steven Spielberg; Brian’s Song, considered one of the finest TV movies ever made; and The Night Stalker. It was also a launching pad for pilots that went on to become regular series, including Starsky & Hutch, The Six Million Dollar Man, and Alias Smith and Jones (see above note).

And you smell like Cheetos.
Cheetos are a brand of cheese-flavored snacks manufactured by Frito-Lay and first made in 1948. The extruded corn and cheesy goodness is currently sold in countries all over the world, with flavor variations to meet regional tastes, such as Pepsi-flavored Cheetos in Japan and Peanut Cheetos in Hungary. 

Wow, they had 8-track.
Officially known as Stereo 8, 8-track tapes were cartridges of magnetic tape in an infinite loop, first developed in the early 1960s by Bill Lear (of Lear Jet fame) and released in 1964. They caught on because, until then, the only means of owning music were finicky vinyl records or cumbersome reel-to-reels, neither of which were very portable. They were popular until the mid-1970s, when compact cassette tapes replaced them as the desired form of portable audio media. Complaints included low audio quality, the inability to rewind, the inability to choose a specific song, and the tendency to switch to a different track in the middle of a song. On the other hand, 8-tracks were the first portable and durable user-controlled format for recorded music in cars.

“Some hustler?” I don’t read Hustler.
Hustler is a porn magazine first published in 1974. Generally considered more hard-core than Playboy and Penthouse, Hustler has also become known for heavy-handed political satire and the outing of a number of sexual indiscretions by public figures—especially politicians. (During the impeachment of President Bill Clinton for his own sexual indiscretions, publisher Larry Flynt grew tired of the perceived hypocrisy and offered a reward for information on other politicians who had done the same. He bagged several, including the Republican representative who was in line to become the next speaker of the house, Bob Livingston; instead he resigned after confessing to several affairs.)

[Imitating.] I’m gonna find those strawberries.
An imitation of American actor Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957) in his role as Lt. Commander Queeg in the 1954 film The Caine Mutiny, based on the 1951 novel of the same name by Herman Wouk. Queeg is commander of the USS Caine, a destroyer-minesweeper in World War II, and his increasingly paranoid and irrational behavior at sea eventually leads his crew to mutiny. Among his obsessions is a cruelly punitive focus on the minor theft of some strawberries from the officer’s mess; he searches the entire ship and strips all the crew members trying to find them.

“It is the same fungus.” Among us.
There was a popular bit of nonsense rhyme in the 1950s, of uncertain origin: “At ease, disease; there’s a fungus among us.” In 1958, rockabilly musician Terry Noland recorded the novelty song “There Was a Fungus Among Us,” which played in regular rotation on the Dr. Demento radio show for many years. Sample lyrics: “There was a fungus among us/There was a rumble in the jungle/There was a static in the attic/A moaning and a groaning/A fungus among us …”

Do you have ten-pound balls?
A line from an old prank call, made to a bowling alley. Comedy Central’s prank-calling show Crank Yankers used it once:

Victim: Hello?
Pranker: Do you have ten-pound balls?
Victim: Yes …
Pranker: How do you walk?

[Sung.] Sky rockets in flight, afternoon … huh?
Lyrics from the 1976 hit song “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band, which featured tight harmonies and sexually risqué lyrics: “Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite/Looking forward to a little afternoon delight/Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite/And the thought of lovin’ you is gettin’ so exciting/Sky rockets in flight/Afternoon delight.”

Badfinger. –I’ll say. –If you want it, come and get it.
Badfinger was a Welsh/English rock band active in the 1960s and 1970s, which was at one time touted as the successor to the Beatles. Signed to the Beatles’ label Apple Records, their biggest hit, “Come and Get It,” was written by Paul McCartney. Sample lyrics: “If you want it, here it is, come and get it/Mm-mm-mm-mm, make your mind up fast/If you want it, any time, I can give it/But ya better hurry ‘cause it may not last …” The band suffered severe creative, financial, and legal problems after Apple Records went under in 1973, which partly contributed to the death by suicide of their lead singer and guitarist Pete Ham in 1975, and the subsequent suicide of bassist Tom Evans eight years later.

“And don’t touch his hand!” And get me two hard-boiled eggs. Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
In the famous “stateroom” scene in the 1935 Marx Brothers comedy film A Night at the Opera, Groucho repeatedly orders varying numbers and types of eggs: two fried eggs, two poached eggs, two scrambled eggs, one duck egg, and (again and again) two hard-boiled eggs, changed immediately to three hard-boiled eggs.

George Plimpton? –What’s that jerk doin’ here?
George Plimpton (1927-2003) was an American writer, editor, and occasional actor, best known for his “participatory journalism”: he would do things like perform with a symphony orchestra or fight a professional boxer, and then write vivid first-hand accounts of his experiences. 

“One of my students was just burned by this fungus.” It’s among us.
See above note.

Like Fauntleroy here.
The 1885 novel Little Lord Fauntleroy by British-American author Frances Hodgson Burnett tells the story of a poor American child who inherits a title and a vast estate in Britain. The title character, Cedric, is an adorable, well-dressed cherub with curly hair who spreads love and kindness wherever he goes. The story has been adapted for stage and screen many times, the former in 1888 and the latter in 1914. A 1906 stage version starred an 11-year-old Buster Keaton in the title role.

And, ah, here’s my zygote in Fort Lauderdale.
Fort Lauderdale is a mid-size city on the Southern Atlantic coast of Florida. A popular tourist destination, it was, for many decades, especially popular with college students seeking to go wild during spring break. The tradition began in the 1930s and was widely publicized by the 1960 movie Where the Boys Are, about four female college students spending spring break in the city. After spring break 1985, which saw 350,000 spring breakers flood the city over the course of a few weeks, Fort Lauderdale began to actively discourage spring breakers, passing strict (and strictly enforced) laws to clamp down on alcohol consumption and rowdy behavior. College students still go there for spring break, but it is much quieter now, with a heavy police presence.

Cheeta, get away from that.
Created by Edgar Rice Burroughs and first published in magazine form in 1912, then in book form in 1914, Tarzan of the Apes is the story of an orphaned British child raised by apes in the African jungle. In the 1930s Tarzan films starring Johnny Weissmuller, Tarzan and his wife Jane have a chimpanzee companion named “Cheeta,” although there was no such character in the books. Cheeta also appeared in the 1966-1968 TV series Tarzan, starring Ron Ely. Various animal actors played the role over the years, including Jiggs, Jacky I, and several chimpanzees that were themselves named Cheeta.

Hey, Jim Fixx! –[Gasping.]
Jim Fixx (1932-1984) was a fitness expert whose 1977 book The Complete Book of Running helped start America’s love affair with jogging. The cover of the book featured a photo of Fixx’s legs in running shoes and red shorts. In 1984, he died of a heart attack while running, due to a combination of genetic predisposition (his father had died of his second heart attack at the age of 43; his first one had hit at age 35) and unhealthy lifestyle choices, including a previous history of smoking and recent weight gain.

Where’s Geraldo?
Geraldo Rivera is an American TV personality, talk show host, and attorney. In 1986 he hosted The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vaults, a heavily promoted live syndicated special. Convinced that the sealed-off room would contain the lost wealth (or murdered enemies) of infamous Chicago mobster Al Capone, Rivera was embarrassed on camera when nothing was found inside but a few empty bottles.

Quart of Everclear and a beer bong.
Everclear is a brand of grain alcohol that comes in various strengths, ranging from 120 proof to 190 proof. (By comparison, gin/rum/vodka are usually around 80 proof.) The company manufactures the lower proofs because a number of states have banned the 190-proof version. A beer bong is a device designed to enable a drinker (usually a college student) to swallow a vast quantity of beer in very short order. There are a number of variants, but it is basically a funnel attached to a length of flexible hose: the hose goes in your mouth, and the beer is poured down the funnel. Cheers!

No, I was at Hair Club for Men.
HairClub (formerly Hair Club for Men) is a company dedicated to baldness cures, offering everything from bald-friendly shampoos to hair transplants. It was founded in 1976 by Sy “I’m also a client” Sperling. The company is currently owned by the Japanese wigmaker Aderans.

This is a sinus headache.
An imitation of TV ads for sinus and allergy relief medications that try to illustrate the torment of a sinus headache, such as Actifed, Comtrex, or Tylenol Sinus. 

Hey guys, I think it’s Coppola’s espresso machine.
Francis Ford Coppola is an American film director, screenwriter and producer, known for such films as The Godfather (1972), The Conversation (1974), and Apocalypse Now (1979). Weirdly, in 2007 the New York Times reported on Coppola’s love of espresso; the director claimed at the time to have more than 300 espresso machines. In 2024 he listed his eight favorite things for Elle; number six was his Illy espresso machine.

We need to close the beaches!
In the 1975 horror movie Jaws, a series of shark attacks prompts police chief Martin Brody (played by Roy Scheider) to repeatedly insist, “We have to close the beaches!” over the objections of the mayor. The line is an MST3K favorite. 

“There’s already a boy in the hospital.” And I gotta hit a home run for him.
During the 1926 World Series, a boy named John Sylvester was hospitalized in New Jersey after being kicked in the head by a horse. Sylvester was a longtime fan of New York Yankees star Babe Ruth, who received telegrams (unclear from whom; possibly from Sylvester’s father or uncle) asking him to lift the boy’s spirits. Ruth sent back two baseballs, one autographed by various players from the Yankees, and the other by players from the Cardinals—the two teams currently facing off in the World Series. On the Yankees ball, Ruth wrote, “I’ll knock a homer for you on Wednesday”—in game 4. Never one to do things by halves, Ruth hit three of them. The Cardinals won the series, however, and Ruth visited Sylvester after he came home from the hospital, apologizing for losing. The 1948 film The Babe Ruth Story featured the tale, but changed a number of details.

Wallace Shawn?
Wallace Shawn is an American actor and writer with a distinctively reedy voice and nebbishy, baldheaded appearance. He has appeared in such films as My Dinner with Andre (1981) and The Princess Bride (1987), and as a voice actor in the Toy Story animated film series.

[Imitating.] I pity the dirt that gets in my way.
Mr. T (b. Laurence Tureaud) is an actor best known for playing Clubber Lang in Rocky III (1982) and B.A. Baracus in the TV show The A-Team (1983-1987). His catchphrase “I pity the fool!” appeared in both but originated in the Rocky film, with the line, “I don’t hate Balboa, but I pity the fool.”

I’m having dinner with Andre later.
See previous note.

Sounds kinda like John Cage is back there.
John Cage (1912-1992) was an American composer and musician best known as an avant-garde pioneer of nontraditional ways of making music. One of his techniques involved a “prepared piano”: a piano with nonmusical objects placed on the strings or hammers to change the sound. One of his best-known compositions is 4’33”, which consists of four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence from the musicians “performing” the piece; the idea is for the audience to focus on the ambient sounds of wherever they happen to be. 

“Find that mummy!” Sounds like an Abbott & Costello movie.
(Bud) Abbott and (Lou) Costello were a comedy team from the 1930s through the 1950s. They got their start in vaudeville and soon made the leap to radio, TV, and film. Costello’s character was a frequently hysterical man-child, who relied on the long-suffering and level-headed Abbott to get out of trouble. The duo made a number of comedy horror movies, including Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948), Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951), and, of course, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955).

Hey, Scrubbing Bubbles. [Sung.] Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo … hoo hoo!
Scrubbing Bubbles is a brand of bathroom cleaner manufactured by S.C. Johnson & Son. TV commercials for the product feature animated talking bubbles with scrub-brush feet, who are very happy about what they do. In the 1970s, the “leader” of the bubbles (later dubbed “Scrubby”) was voiced by Paul Winchell, the beloved voice of Tigger in the Winnie the Pooh cartoons. (The laughter here comes directly from Winchell’s Tigger-like laugh in the commercials.) 

“I can hardly measure it.” And I still haven’t figured out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie center.
Tootsie Pops are lollipops filled with Tootsie Rolls’ signature chocolate chews, first created in 1931. They became popularized thanks to a 1969 animated TV commercial that featured a boy asking a series of animals how many licks it took to get to the center. Finally an owl demonstrates the answer: three; then it becomes so delicious that you can’t stand it anymore and just chomp. 

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Prince Albert is a brand of pipe tobacco initially produced by R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company in 1907. By the 1930s, Prince Albert was the second biggest moneymaker for RJR, but after pipe smoking began to decline in the 1960s, the brand was finally sold to John Middleton in 1987. It was not named for the best-known Prince Albert, husband of British Queen Victoria, but for their son, who was also named Prince Albert before he became King Edward VII. (For a time after his accession to the throne, the portrait of the prince on the tobacco tins bore the added caption “Now King.”) If you’re over a certain age, you may know that this brand name served as the inspiration for a popular telephone prank on hapless store clerks. The caller would ask, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” to which the victim would answer, “Why, yes. Yes, I do.” Then the prankster would retort, “Well, you’d better let him out!”

That’s quite a reunion. –Pete. Linc. Julie. [Sung.] Theme from The Mod Squad.
The Mod Squad was a TV police drama that aired from 1968-1973 on ABC. It was the story of three young and groovy troublemakers—one white guy (Pete), one black guy (Linc), and one white woman (Julie)—recruited by the police to help solve crimes by going undercover. The opening title sequence featured the trio running through a dark, ominous warehouse. The theme song was composed by Earle Hagen, who also wrote (and whistled) the theme to The Andy Griffith Show.

Oh, not that old trick.
A reference to an age-old prank—popular at slumber parties and summer camps—in which a sleeping person’s hand is placed in a bowl of warm water, supposedly causing them to wet the bed. When the “science entertainment” TV show MythBusters tested this one, even using sleep monitoring equipment to ensure the subject was genuinely asleep, they got zero results: myth busted!

Bad movie? You’re soaking in it.
“You’re soaking in it” was the slogan in a series of commercials for Palmolive dish soap that aired from 1966 to 1992, in which the maternal Madge the manicurist (played by Jan Miner) informs her shocked clients that they’re soaking their hands in Palmolive liquid soap.

Hey, it’s Murray the cop. –Well, which one, Herb Edelman or Al Molinaro?
Murray the cop is a character in The Odd Couple, the Neil Simon play about a pair of New York City roommates, one a clean freak, the other a slob. It spawned a popular film, a TV sitcom, and various reboots and revivals. Murray, one of the friends who joins in the odd couple’s weekly poker game, was played by Nathaniel Frey in the original 1965 Broadway production, by Herb Edelman (1933-1996) in the 1968 film, and by Al Molinaro (1919-2015) in the 1970-1975 ABC TV series. An unsuccessful 1982 TV show called The New Odd Couple turned most of the characters Black—Murray was played by white actor John Schuck. In the 2005 Broadway revival of the show, Brad Garrett (Robert on Everybody Loves Raymond) played the role. (There was also a 2015 TV series starring Matthew Perry and Thomas Lennon, but the character of Murray did not exist in this version.)

[British accent.] What’s all this then?
Most American audiences are familiar with this phrase (along with “’Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello” and “Evenin’, all”) from skits on Monty Python’s Flying Circus. But the boys on Python were specifically imitating the star of the long-running British TV show Dixon of Dock Green, which centered on daily life in a London police station. The main character, PC George Dixon (Jack Warner), is patient, sympathetic, kind, knows everyone in his patrol area, and deals mostly with petty crime. Warner played the part for 21 years, from 1955-1976. That’s not counting the film in which the character originally appeared (which preceded the TV show), The Blue Lamp (1950). By the time the show ended, he was 80—well beyond the mandatory retirement age for police.

Hello, Winchell’s? Send a policeman over, pronto.
Winchell’s Donuts is an American doughnut company established in 1948. In addition to other companies like Dunkin’, Krispy Kreme, and Tim Hortons, it is one of the major doughnut shop chains in the country.

Here’s “The Banana Boat Song,” by a guy I like to call Dad.
See above note.

Hey, she’s got a Close ‘n Play.
The Close ‘n Play was a portable, battery-powered record player for children, introduced by Kenner in 1967. A simple red plastic contraption with the needle attached to the lid, it played 45 rpm records by simply putting the record on the platter and closing the lid; when the lid was opened, the record stopped. Many have noted the Close ‘n Play’s tendency to shred records like a lathe, but it remains popular among retro toy collectors.

“… tonight’s edition of Two on One.” Is not much fun. 
A callback. “Two on one is not much fun” is a line spoken by Rod Tillman, the deeply ineffectual “hero” of Show 207, Wild Rebels. 

“The coffin was empty.” Told ya, Geraldo.
See note on Geraldo Rivera, above.

Well, all right. I got Hardbodies and Mannequin Two.
Hardbodies is a 1984 comedy about three middle-aged men who hire a young hunk to help them score chicks. Mannequin 2: On the Move is a deeply pointless 1991 follow-up to the 1987 comedy Mannequin (see above note), which starred Andrew McCarthy as a department store worker who falls in love with a mannequin (Kim Cattrall of Show 403, City Limits, fame). Mannequin Two: On the Move stars William Ragsdale as another department store worker who falls in love with another mannequin, this one played by Kristy Swanson. 

Starsky & Hutch: The Lost Episodes, on USA Network. [Wakka chukkas.]
Starsky & Hutch was a TV cop show that began as an ABC Movie of the Week (see above note) and then ran as a series from 1975-1979. Paul Michael Glaser (Starsky) and David Soul (Hutch) were two streetwise plainclothes detectives who played by their own rules and fought crime in fictional “Bay City, California,” which looked suspiciously like Los Angeles. The USA Network is a basic cable network that features some sports programming and syndicated reruns of network shows, as well as original programming. For a time in the 1990s it was known for somewhat racy fare, including La Femme Nikita and Silk Stalkings, although in later years it became more respectable thanks to its breakout series Monk (2002-2009), about a detective with OCD. It launched in 1980.

“Name your restaurant, baby.” Sizzler. [Giggles.]
Sizzler is a national chain of reasonably priced steak and seafood restaurants. They were founded in 1958 in Culver City, California. The chain has been financially troubled, declaring bankruptcy in 1996 and again in 2020 during the Covid-19 pandemic.

So tell me seriously. What do you think of The Critique of Pure Reason, dollface?
The Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant, first published in German in 1781, is a dense, lofty tome on the scope of metaphysics that is considered one of the most important works in the history of philosophy, and an inaugural work of modern philosophy.

Huh. They’re eating at Aunt Bee’s.
Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (played by Frances Bavier) was a character on the CBS television sitcoms The Andy Griffith Show (1960-1968) and Mayberry R.F.D. (1968-1971). The aunt of sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith), Aunt Bee made a mean butterscotch pecan pie (Opie’s favorite), fried chicken for church gatherings, filled picnic baskets for convicts in the town jail, and, in early episodes, was swept off her feet by new men in town, who invariably turned out to be cads. Later in the series she proved more independent, opening a restaurant, taking flying lessons, and even hosting her own cooking show on TV. The door to the kitchen in the Taylor home (Aunt Bee’s domain) had a half-length window covered by a lace curtain.

Robert Shaw?
British actor Robert Shaw (1927-1978) was known for playing villainous heavies in such films as From Russia with Love (1963) and The Sting (1973), but he is best remembered as Quint the shark hunter in Jaws (1975).

 Yeah, Denny’s. It’s a big thing around here. 
Denny’s is a budget chain of restaurants found across the length and breadth of this fair land. It was founded in 1953 by Richard Jezak and Harold Butler as Danny’s Donuts in Lakewood, California.

“Look, I’m here with Sherri.” Belafonte-Harper. She’s in this movie, too.
See above note.

[Sung.] Quasar! –By Motorola. 
Quasar is an American electronics manufacturer that, in collaboration with Motorola, first gained prominence in the late 1960s with a line of transistorized color televisions. TV ads at the time featured the slogan “Quasar, by Motorola,” with the Quasar name being cheerfully sung, while the brand logo was shown against a brightly shining star field.

Mork calling Orson. Mork calling Orson.
“Mork calling Orson! Come in, Orson!” is a line from the TV sitcom Mork & Mindy (ABC, 1978-1982), which starred Robin Williams as an alien sent to Earth to study its inhabitants. Each episode ended with Mork transmitting a report on his observations to his supervisor, Orson. When he made contact, the scene changed to Mork in his uniform against a black background, accompanied by an ethereal sound. 

She has a certain Susan Saint James quality.
Susan Saint James (b. Susan Jane Miller) is an American actress who appeared in many television dramas and comedies in the 1960s, ‘70s, and ‘80s, including McMillan & Wife (NBC, 1971-1977) and the 1971 pilot for Alias Smith and Jones (see above note). But she is best known for her role as Kate in the sitcom Kate & Allie (CBS, 1984-1989).

Hey, I didn’t know you liked B.J. Thomas.
Billy Joe “B.J.” Thomas is an American singer who had a string of hit songs on the pop, adult-contemporary, and country charts in the 1960s and 1970s. His best-known songs are “Hooked on a Feeling” (1968) and his performance of Burt Bacharach’s “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head” from the 1969 film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, which won the Academy Award for Best Original Song that year.

It’s the hand that rocks the cradle down there.
The phrase “the hand that rocks the cradle” comes from an 1865 poem praising motherhood by 19th-century British poet William Ross Wallace, “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle Is the Hand That Rules the World.” In 1992, a thriller movie under the title The Hand That Rocks the Cradle was released, starring Rebecca De Mornay as a psycho nanny who terrorizes a suburban family. 

Ball and chain by Panasonic.
Panasonic is a Japanese electronics corporation that was founded in 1918 and is now one of the world’s largest manufacturers of consumer electronics, including televisions, computers and tablets, home appliances, and so on. 

Horton hears a boo.
Horton Hears a Who! is a 1954 children’s book by Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, about Horton the Elephant’s attempts to protect a society of tiny beings living in a speck of dust. Geisel wrote it in the post-World War II era after a visit to Japan, to express his views on the importance of protecting those who are different from us, “no matter how small.”

Ricky Schroder, no!
Ricky Schroder is an American actor who shot to fame as a tow-headed child star in the 1979 film The Champ (for which he became the youngest actor ever to win a Golden Globe, at nine years old) and the sitcom Silver Spoons (NBC, 1982-1986; syndication, 1986-1987). Continuing his career as an adult (and dropping the “y” from his first name), he’s had prominent roles in the TV miniseries Lonesome Dove (CBS, 1989) and the TV crime dramas NYPD Blue (ABC, 1993-2005) and 24 (Fox, 2001-2010).

Jim Henson’s Baby Babies.
Jim Henson’s Muppet Babies is an American animated series that follows the exploits of kid versions of the popular Muppet characters. It originally aired on CBS from 1984 to 1991 and has enjoyed a robust afterlife in syndication. A reboot, titled Muppet Babies, aired on Disney Junior and the Disney Channel from 2018 to 2022. Variations on “Jim Henson’s _______________ Babies” are a standard MST3K riff.

Meanwhile, in Friday the 13th …
Friday the 13th is an American slasher/horror movie franchise involving twelve films as of 2009, with a television series, books, comics, video games, and various other merchandising in its wake. At the center of the franchise is the hockey-mask-wearing killer Jason Voorhees, who supposedly drowned as a boy at a summer camp, and who may or may not have grown up to become the seemingly unstoppable slasher who murders the endless supply of teens who just keep coming to that camp. 

[Imitating.] Now listen, I’m gonna break outta here, see? And nobody’s gonna stop me. 
An imitation of Edward G. Robinson (b. Emanuel Goldenberg, 1893-1973) in the classic 1948 movie Key Largo. In the film, Robinson and some members of his gang are holed up in a small Key Largo hotel (which somewhat resembles the house in this shot) during a hurricane, along with the hotel’s owners, a young widow (Lauren Bacall) and her father-in-law (Lionel Barrymore). Also present is a WWII veteran who served with Bacall’s husband and has come to give his family closure on his death (played by Humphrey Bogart). Things go awry.

Be scared. Be very a-scared.
The line “Be afraid. Be very afraid,” was spoken by Geena Davis in the 1986 horror film The Fly, a loose remake of the 1958 movie of the same name. The phrase became a tagline for the film, was used extensively in the marketing, and has since become so firmly embedded in popular culture that many people know the line without being aware of its origin. Deep trivia cut: According to director David Cronenberg, the person who originally came up with the line was funnyman Mel Brooks, who was a producer on the film.

Don’t tell mom the babysitter’s hot. [Laughs.]
Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead is a 1991 American comedy film starring Christina Applegate as a teenage girl who conspires with her four younger siblings to hide the death of their elderly babysitter while their mother is in Australia for two months. Joanna Cassidy and a very young Josh Charles round out the cast.

“Can you treat her?” Like a lady?
At the time this episode aired, there were three popular songs titled “Treat Her Like a Lady”: one from 1971 by Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose, one from 1979 by Jimmy Buffett and David Loggins, and one from 1984 by The Temptations. Take your pick, although the Temptations song, which had hit number 2 on the R&B chart and almost made the top 40 on the Hot 100 chart just a few years before, seems most likely.

“I’m consulting by phone with Dr. Cunningham.” Oh, Richie Cunningham. Sure, I know him.
Richie Cunningham, played by American actor/director/producer Ron Howard, was a central character in the TV sitcom Happy Days (ABC, 1974-1984). The series portrayed an idealized vision of American family life in the mid-1950s to mid-1960s, with a focus on teenagers.

I had Jell-O today.
Jell-O is a brand name for a variety of gelatin desserts, puddings, and no-bake cream pies. The brand is owned by Kraft Foods, but, like Q-tips and Kleenex, Jell-O has become a generic term for almost any brand of gelatin dessert.

I think he pissed off Blansky’s Beauties.
Blansky’s Beauties was a short-lived 1977 American sitcom, a spinoff of Happy Days (see previous note). Nancy Walker played the title role of Nancy Blansky (who had made a brief appearance on Happy Days), a sort of den mother to an apartment full of gorgeous Las Vegas showgirls. The show only lasted half a season on ABC. Scott Baio also appeared on the show, playing a neighbor named Anthony DeLuca—an entirely different role from the one he would later play on Happy Days, Chachi Arcola. 

I had Jell-O … –Yeah, we know. We know you had Jell-O today. –But it had fruit in it.
See previous note.

“It’s Michael Goldstein.” [Sung.] Michael Goldstein, Michael Goldstein, what a beautiful name … [Spoken.] Funny Girl. 
A riff on the song “Sadie, Sadie,” from the 1964 Broadway musical and 1968 film Funny Girl, both starring Barbra Streisand. Sample lyrics: “Mrs. Arnstein! Mrs. Arnstein!/What a beautiful, beautiful name/Sadie, Sadie, married lady/See what’s on my hand/There’s nothing quite as touching/As a simple wedding band.”

Hey, looks like Richie Cunningham’s bedroom.
See above note.

Wow, VCRs, lots …
VCR is an abbreviation of “videocassette recorder,” a home electronics device that records analog television programming onto a magnetic tape videocassette. Now replaced by DVD and Blu-ray players and DVRs, VCRs ruled the home entertainment landscape in the 1980s and 1990s, with prerecorded movies and TV shows widely available for purchase or rental, and blank videotapes used for home recording. The last major Hollywood film released on videocassette was A History of Violence in 2006.

It’s Intellivision. Intelligent television.
Intellivision (and yes, it’s a portmanteau of “intelligent television”) was a video game console made by Mattel that was introduced in 1979 and discontinued in 1984, after the video game industry crashed and burned in 1983. Innovative for its time, more than 3 million units were sold, along with 125 games for the platform. In 2018 the company that now owned the Intellivision brand announced they would be launching a new console, the Amico, but it suffered repeated delays and problems. Six years later (as this is written) it had not yet been released.

Oh, it’s the Michelangelo virus.
The Michelangelo virus is a computer virus that first appeared in Australia in 1991. The virus would only become active on March 6, the birthdate of Renaissance artist Michelangelo. As that date in 1992 approached, sales of antivirus software spiked, and some savvy users either reset their computers to skip March 6 or simply left them turned off that day. By 1997, the virus had disappeared, partially due to antivirus software, and partially because it was spread mainly by 5.5-inch floppy discs, which by then were obsolete. 

Stalagmites. Stalactites. Stalagmites. I get that right?
Yes, he did.

You guys, there’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just This Old House, okay?
This Old House is a home improvement television program, with a magazine and website and several spinoff shows. Debuting in 1979 with bearded, genial host Bob Vila, the show follows fairly complex home remodeling projects over a period of weeks. It is aired on PBS stations and distributed through syndication to commercial television stations; since 2003 the host has been Kevin O’Connor. 

It’s a Curly alarm. –Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop …
Curly Howard (1903-1952), born Jerome Lester “Jerry” Horwitz, was an American vaudeville performer and comic actor. He is best known as one of The Three Stooges, performing throughout the 1930s, ‘40s and ‘50s on stage and in many short films along with his older brothers, Moe Howard and Shemp Howard, and actor Larry Fine. Many consider Curly the best known and most imitated of the Stooges. “Whoop, whoop, whoop!” was among Curly’s many signature comedic sounds.

Yeah, daylight comes and you wanna go home, right?
See note on “Day-O,” above.

In heaven there is no beer, that’s why we drink … huh? What the …
“In Heaven There Is No Beer,” also known as “No Beer Polka,” is a song originally written in German by Ernst Neubach and composed by Ralph Maria Siegel for the 1956 German film Die Fischerin vom Bodensee (The Fisher-girl from Lake Constance). Sample English lyrics: “In heaven there is no beer/That’s why we drink it here (Right here!)/When we’re gone from here/All our friends will be drinking all the beer!” Its title in German is “Im Himmel gibt’s kein Bier.”

Uh, hello, Mr. Simpson. You got two weeks to live.
In the 1991 episode of The Simpsons titled “One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish,” the Simpsons’ family doctor, a Black man named Dr. Hibbert (played by white comedian Harry Shearer), tells Homer he has 24 hours to live after accidentally ingesting a poisonous fugu fish at a sushi restaurant.

Oh, this is one of those Bop fairy tales.
Steve Allen’s Bop Fables is a book published in 1955 that featured comedian (and host of The Tonight Show) Steve Allen retelling classic fairy tales using jazz jargon, or “bop.” Stories included “Goldilocks and the Three Cool Bears” and “Jack and the Real Flip Beanstalk.” The book followed a best-selling record, Be Bop’s Fables (1955) which featured Allen reading two additional stories. A sample: “Once upon a time, in the little village of Ooh Bop Shebam, there lived a frantic little canary named Cinderella. At the time our story opens, Cindy was makin’ it the least. And to fill in between unemployment checks, she was working at a small rib joint run by her stepmother and her two stepsisters—all of them real crows, you know what I mean?”

[Imitating.] Page two …
Radio newsman and commentator Paul Harvey (1918-2009) was on the air more or less continuously from the 1930s until 2008. He was known for his regular monologues, broadcast twice daily, as well as his “The Rest of the Story” segment, which focused on a person or event from American history. Among his many trademark phrases was “Page two …” to indicate he was moving on to a different segment. 

“Are you suggesting that our fungus…” [All.] Is among us?
See above note.

“Okay, just suppose …” Moses supposes his toeses are roses …
“Moses supposes his toeses are roses” is a tongue twister dating back at least to 1888, when it appeared in a Minnesota newspaper (which warned girls “not to let it get to running through your head”). It gained wider fame when it was turned into a song and dance number in the 1952 musical film Singin’ in the Rain. The best-known version is one published in 1944:

Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
but Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses he knowses his toeses aren’t roses
as Moses supposes his toeses to be.

I hate Evans and Novak.
Evans and Novak was a political discussion/interview program on CNN that was hosted by journalist Rowland Evans (1921-2001) and columnist Robert Novak (1931-2009). (The pair also wrote a nationally syndicated politics column from 1967-1993 that landed them on President Richard Nixon’s infamous “enemies list.”) Debuting in 1982, the show ran for 20 years until 2002, becoming Evans, Novak, Hunt & Shields in 1998 with the official addition of co-hosts Al Hunt and Mark Shields, who had been regular panelists since the show’s inception.

[Imitates.] Lawrence, would you put that down, please?
A callback to Show 204, Catalina Caper, in which the villainous Arthur Duval (Del Moore, sounding a bit like Charles Nelson Reilly) was constantly chastising his oafish henchman, Larry (whom he refers to as Lawrence).

Oooh, look at his hand. He needs Porcelana. 
Porcelana is a brand of hand and face cream containing hydroquinone, marketed to women as a skin lightener and dark spot fader. Beginning in 2022, the FDA started cracking down on it due to reported severe side effects, including rashes, swelling, and disfigurement. Hydroquinone is extremely popular for lightening the skin in Asia, where lighter skin is perceived as more attractive. But it can have serious consequences, particularly when applied all over rather than as a spot treatment. Bottom line: the FDA advises you avoid Porcelana, and any product with hydroquinone.

Now … it’s lunchtime.
“Now it’s Miller time” is the slogan of a long-running ad campaign, first for Miller High Life and later for Miller Lite that featured hard-working Americans clocking out of their blue-collar jobs and heading straight for a well-deserved beer. The campaign was originally introduced in 1971 and has been revived periodically over subsequent decades.

Stuffing instead of potatoes?
This is an advertising slogan for Stove Top, a brand of boxed stuffing mixes made by Kraft Foods, which spent a lot of ad dollars in the 1970s and ‘80s trying to persuade Americans to make stuffing their go-to side dish. 

Two scoops of raisins, my ass.
Kellogg’s Raisin Bran cereal has long touted that each box contains “two scoops” of raisins. Their advertising has so far neglected to educate the public on the volume or weight of a “scoop.” However, in 2020, bold Medium journalist Jim Nolan dumped out a box of Raisin Bran on his kitchen table and counted every raisin. He concluded that each scoop contains roughly one-half cup of raisins.

Chocolatey CoCo Wheats.
CoCo Wheats is an instant hot chocolate-flavored cereal made from wheat farina and cocoa; it was introduced in 1930 by Little Crow Foods and is currently owned by Post.

Oh, he just invented Shake-A Pudd’n.
Shake-A Pudd’n was a brand of instant pudding desserts made by Royal. Made by simply adding water to the powdered pudding mix and shaking it in the provided cup, Shake-A Pudd’n was heavily advertised in the early 1960s with TV commercials showing kids incorporating groovy dance moves into their pudding manufacturing.

Eww. Keri isn’t very.
“Keri is so very…” was an advertising slogan for Keri body lotion in the 1980s and ‘90s. Keri was introduced in 1960 and first sold by Westwood Pharmaceutical.

“Stanley!” You wanna help me do things right? 
Stanley Black & Decker (formerly The Stanley Works) is an American maker of household hardware and tools marketed to DIY home repair enthusiasts from the 1970s through the 1990s with the slogan “Stanley: we want to help you do things right.”

We now leave Medical Center to join Trapper John, already in progress. 
See notes on Medical Center and Trapper John, MD, above.

Oh, it’s a CBS Mystery Movie. –There wasn’t a CBS Mystery Movie. –I know, but you won’t let us say NBC … Mystery Movie.
The NBC Mystery Movie was an umbrella title for a series of rotating TV shows that aired on Sunday nights from 1971 to 1977. The original shows were Columbo, McMillan & Wife, and McCloud; others were added later. The opening credits for the series showed the silhouette of a man with a flashlight, the beam of which would sweep across the screen. That opening was referenced and riffed so often on MST3K that Joel eventually performed some behavioral modification on the bots. In Show 404, Teenagers From Outer Space, the bots received a “mild but memorable” electric shock if they mentioned it. Eventually an informal ban on future riffs was imposed and then ignored (see following note).

Let’s get doughnuts. –Oh, come on, Joel, I don’t want to be the dead bird in your guest bed, but that’s really a hackneyed joke. –No, I just mean that cops eat doughnuts a lot. –No, it’s just hack, Joel. –Well, it’s just something I noticed, kind of observation. –It’s cheap. Stop it. –Doughnuts.
This is the foundation of another riff ban that was put into place soon after this show aired. In Show 409, The Indestructible Man, so many cop/doughnut riffs were made that a moratorium was finally imposed, enforced by a signed contract and a visit to Deep 13 by two cops (Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson). Both bans were later cheerfully violated.

Hey, Steve, there’s a string section down here. –And George Winston’s with them. –Yecchh.
George Winston (1949-2023) was an American pianist and composer whose instrumental albums of the 1980s and 1990s (which sold more than 15 million copies) were at the forefront of “New Age” music’s popularity. (He preferred the description “folk piano.”) His compositions are marked by extremely slow tempos, repetitive structures, and allowing lots of space between notes (one concert review said simply: “Hey, wake up. It’s intermission.”) Winston also played harmonica and guitar, and his interest in the Hawaiian slack-key guitar led to him founding a record label, Dancing Cat Records, devoted almost exclusively to recording and preserving the work of the aging masters of that genre.

Willard, no! –Tear him up!
The 1971 horror film Willard, starring Bruce Davison and Ernest Borgnine, is the story of misfit loner Willard Stiles (Davison), who becomes close to his pet rats. Very close. He eventually trains them to assist him in crimes such as burglary and murder. “Tear him up!” is a shouted command from Willard to his rats, just before they do something unspeakably violent. The movie was remade in 2003 with Crispin Glover in the title role.

“It’s the fungus.” Among us.
See above note.

“Did he hurt you?” Did he make you mean-mad?
A reference to film director John Ford’s 1940 classic The Grapes of Wrath, based on the John Steinbeck novel about the plight of itinerant American Dust Bowl refugees. In the film, Ma Joad, worried that prison has changed her son Tom (played by Henry Fonda), asks him, “Did they hurt you an’ make you mean-mad?” (The line appears in the book as well.)

Stiller and Meara, ladies and gentlemen. –Let’s bring ‘em out again. –Let’s bring ‘em back.
Husband and wife comedy duo Jerry Stiller (1927-2020) and Anne Meara (1929-2015) enjoyed great popularity in the 1960s and 1970s, with many appearances during the heyday of television variety shows, particularly on The Ed Sullivan Show (CBS, 1948-1971). They are the parents of actors Ben Stiller and Amy Stiller.

It’s Adnan Khashoggi.
Considered one of the richest men in the world in the 1980s, the Saudi Arabian arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi (1935-2017) moved comfortably in international high society circles despite his involvement in various scandals, including the Iran-Contra affair. 

“I’m Cleopatra.” Queen of denial.
Cleopatra (70/69-30 B.C.E.) was the queen of Egypt, the lover of Julius Caesar and later the wife of Mark Antony. She and Antony committed suicide after a crushing military defeat by the Roman armies, after which Rome took control of Egypt and the time of the pharaohs came to an end. The punny joke “Denial is not just a river in Egypt” dates back to the 1930s. In 1993, the year after this episode aired, country singer Pam Tillis released a new single inspired by the punchline to a joke a friend left on her answering machine: “Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.” So the phrase was definitely part of the zeitgeist in the early 1990s, although we have been unable to track down its exact origin.

Wayne Gretzky, what are you doing here? –Stick to hockey, Wayne.
See note on Wayne Gretzky, above.

[Imitating.] Tough crowd. –Yeah. 
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) was a standup comedian known for his self-deprecating routines, boisterous manner, flop sweat, and bulging eyes. (His widow kept a Tupperware container of his sweat in the refrigerator, collected at the comedian’s request, who had hoped to sell it after hearing of a handkerchief soaked in Elvis’s sweat that sold for big money. The plan went nowhere.) Along with his main catchphrase, “I don’t get no respect,” he often joked about his failure to win over his audience by saying “Boy, tough crowd, I’m tellin’ ya, tough crowd …”

He looks like that sculpture by Rodin. –Of a monster? –No, the sculptor who married Camille Claudel. –The sculptor? –No, the monster.
Auguste Rodin (1840-1917) was a French sculptor. Though his work was criticized in his day, he is now considered the father of modern sculpture. Fellow sculptor Camille Claudel (1864-1943) was his muse, model, lover, and confidant between 1884 and 1898, although they were never married. His lifetime partner Rose Beuret received that honor, marrying him a few days before her death; they had been together for 53 years. Camille Claudel, sadly, was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1905 and spent the rest of her life in an asylum, dying in 1943. (Her brother had her committed, and there seems to be some question about how ill she was, as the doctors at the asylum tried several times to get her family to take her home, which they always adamantly refused.) Rodan is a 1956 Japanese monster flick about a mysterious flying creature, similar to a giant pterodactyl, that is discovered underground and promptly begins to trash the city of Fukuoka. Rodan went on to appear in a number of other films in the Godzilla franchise, including Destroy All Monsters (1968) and Godzilla: Final Wars (2004).

Meanwhile, at the Kennedy compound.
In 1991, the year before this episode aired, William Kennedy Smith, nephew of former president John F. Kennedy, was accused of raping a woman at the Kennedy estate in Palm Beach. The sprawling mansion was known as the “winter White House” during JFK’s presidency but was also referred to as the “Kennedy compound,” a name that has also been applied to the family’s estate in Massachusetts. Despite three other women coming forward to accuse Smith of similar assaults, he was acquitted.

[Sung.] Hey hey, we’re the mummies. [Laughs.] [Sung.] People say we mummy around.
A riff on the song “(Theme From) The Monkees,” written by Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart. Sample lyrics: “Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees/And people say we monkey around/But we’re too busy singing/To put anybody down.” After the success of the Beatles, the Monkees were a band created specifically to star in a TV sitcom, The Monkees (NBC, 1966-1968). Although they started out as purely a media creation, with the band members not actually playing their instruments, they later toured as a real band with great success. As drummer Micky Dolenz put it: “The Monkees really becoming a band was like the equivalent of Leonard Nimoy really becoming a Vulcan.” Hits included “I’m a Believer” and “Last Train to Clarksville.”

Hey, come on, use a beer bong.
See note on beer bongs, above.

“Sarah!” This is Abraham, hast thou seen Isaac?
Abraham is one of the patriarchs of Israel in the book of Genesis in the Bible. In that book, God commands Abraham to kill his son Isaac as a sacrifice. As he is about to comply, an angel intervenes and tells him to sacrifice a ram instead. Abraham is rewarded with prosperity and more children. Sarah was Abraham’s wife, who famously laughed at God when he said she would bear a son (the above Isaac) even though she was then 90 years old.

Who dresses you, John Fogerty?
John Fogerty is an American singer-songwriter and musician, best known as the lead singer, guitarist, and founding member of Creedence Clearwater Revival. He does love his plaid shirts. 

Eat at Joe’s. Eat at Joe’s.
“Eat at Joe’s” was a common running gag in early cartoons, such as the Warner Bros. Looney Tune shorts and Tex Avery’s cartoons for MGM. Its earliest appearance seems to be a Tex Avery short from 1945 called Jerky Turkey. “Joe’s Diner” was just the equivalent of “John Smith” for restaurants at the time.

“Sarah!” Jackman. “Bill!” Keane. “Jeff!” Altman.
“Sarah Jackman” (pronounced “Jockman”) was a 1968 novelty song by American comedy writer and song parodist Allan Sherman (1924-1973). A takeoff on the folk song “Frère Jacques,” it replaces the original lyrics with family gossip: “Sarah Jackman, Sarah Jackman/How’s by you? How’s by you?/How’s by you the family?/How’s your sister Emily?/She’s nice too. She’s nice too.” Bil Keane (1922-2011) was an American cartoonist best known for the long-running strip “The Family Circus,” which is actually drawn in a circle rather than the usual rectangle, and focuses on the cute exploits of several small children and their long-suffering parents. Since Keane’s death, the strip has been written and drawn by his son Jeff Keane, who the character of “Jeffy” in the strip was named for. Jeff Altman is a standup comic and actor who has appeared more than 40 times on the Late Night/Late Show with David Letterman (NBC/CBS, 1982-2015) and boasts the distinction of having starred in one of TV Guide’s “50 Worst TV Shows of All Time”: Pink Lady and Jeff (NBC, 1980), which aired a whopping five episodes.

Well, figure it out, you look like Bea Arthur.
Bea Arthur (1922-2009) was an American actress who became famous in the 1970s for her portrayal of the headstrong, opinionated, and deeply sarcastic Maude Findlay on the TV sitcom All in the Family (CBS, 1971-1979) and then in her own spinoff, Maude (CBS, 1972-1978). She also played another iconic role, teacher Dorothy Zbornak, on the sitcom The Golden Girls (NBC, 1985-1992). In both roles, Arthur dressed in a distinctive style: long vests, tunics, scarves, and other dramatic, flowing clothing.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. –I’m about to.
Although it appears in various places and in various forms in the Bible (Luke 15:21, Psalm 41:4, 1 Samuel 15:25), the phrase “Bless me Father, for I have sinned” is best known as the opening statement made during the sacrament of confession in the Catholic Church. 

Hey, the Flying Nun.
The Flying Nun (ABC, 1967-1970) was a TV sitcom starring Sally Field as a teensy nun whose aerodynamic headpiece allowed her to fly. She was thus able to solve all problems. Alejandro Rey co-starred as a local casino owner who helped the nuns with their schemes.

[Imitating.] Ripken slides one off center field wall, that’ll be extra bases.
The Ripkens are a baseball dynasty. Cal Ripken Sr. (1935-1999) spent 36 years with the Baltimore Orioles, first as a player and then as a coach and manager. His son Cal Ripken Jr. is one of the biggest names in the game of baseball, playing 21 seasons with the Orioles, from 1981-2001. He is best remembered for breaking Lou Gehrig’s longstanding record for consecutive games played, at 2,131, and voluntarily ending his streak three years later, at 2,632 games. Ripken Sr.’s son Billy also played for the Orioles, as well as the Texas Rangers, the Cleveland Indians, and the Detroit Tigers. The riff may be an imitation of longtime and legendary Orioles announcer Chuck Thompson (1921-2005), once dubbed “the voice of God in Baltimore” by a fellow sportscaster.

[Imitating.] And the winner is: Geechy Guy. Heh, heh …
Edward “Ed” McMahon Jr. (1923-2009), imitated here, was an American TV personality and game show host. The longtime sidekick of talk-show legend Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show, where he was famous for his enthusiastic introductions and reliably hearty laugh, McMahon was also widely recognized as the original host of the syndicated TV talent show Star Search (which he hosted from 1983 to 1995), and the on-camera presenter of sweepstakes prizes from American Family Publishers. Geechy Guy (real name: Michael Cathers; 1964-2023) was an American stand-up comic whose career got a high-profile launch with a series of appearances on Star Search and America’s Got Talent. His act was marked by a rapid-fire delivery of one-liners.

“Lock the door and keep it locked.” Don’t let a good boy go bad.
In the late 1960s there was a public service campaign that ran in newspaper ads and on subway posters, proclaiming, “Don’t help a good boy go bad. Lock your car. Take your keys.” Some excerpts from the copy: “Your car keys. Hanging there in your unlocked car. An open invitation to a joyride. … Very tempting in a young boy’s moment of weakness …”

Looks like Tron.
Tron is a 1982 science fiction movie released by Disney, starring Jeff Bridges and David Warner. Made during the peak of the video arcade game phenomenon, and winner of an Academy Award for its groundbreaking digital effects, Tron is the story of a computer programmer who becomes trapped inside a mainframe computer and must battle evil programs to liberate the gaming world. Bruce Boxleitner, Cindy Morgan, and Barnard Hughes also appeared in the film. 

Here at DeVry, you can work on computers from 1978.
DeVry University is a system of technology-oriented schools aimed at high school graduates and working adults. It was founded in Chicago in 1931 and reached a high of 90 campuses in 2010. A few years later, the FTC and the Department of Education opened cases against DeVry, accusing it of running deceptive advertising that promised students better job prospects after graduation than they could actually expect. The lawsuits and subsequent financial settlements led DeVry to close many of its campuses over the next few years.

[Imitating.] Would you like to play a game?
A line from the 1983 science fiction movie WarGames, starring Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy. The line ("Shall we play a game?") is spoken by the voice synthesizer for the NORAD supercomputer WOPR, which invites the young hacker Broderick to play “Global Thermonuclear War.” With real nuclear weapons.

Nice Mac Davis outfit. –Yeah, he’s gonna stop and smell the boilers. 
Mac Davis (1942-2020) was a singer-songwriter and actor from Lubbock, Texas. His biggest hit was “Baby Don’t Get Hooked On Me” in 1972, followed by 1974’s “Stop and Smell the Roses,” which was co-written with Tonight Show bandleader Doc Severinsen. Davis rarely deviated from the denim cowboy look; his 1974 song “Texas in My Rear View Mirror” contained the lyric “And when I die you can bury me in Lubbock, Texas, in my jeans.” After his death in 2020, his family did just that.

Baby I’m-a want you … –That’s Bread. –Oh, sorry.
A reference to the 1972 song “Baby, I’m-A Want You,” by American rock band Bread. Sample lyrics: “Baby, I’m-a want you/Baby, I’m-a need you/You’re the only one I care enough to hurt about/Maybe I’m-a crazy, but I just can’t live without/Your lovin’ and affection …”

One Adam-12, see the cruller, corner of Fifth and Maple …
Adam-12 is a TV police drama that ran from 1968 to 1975 on NBC. The brainchild of Dragnet creator Jack Webb, Adam-12 followed the daily lives of two Los Angeles Police Department officers, and was one of the first cop shows to introduce realistic police procedures and jargon to the public. The chatter from the patrol car radio (provided by actual LAPD dispatcher Shaaron Claridge) was a common device for exposition, and “One-Adam-12, see the man/woman at [address] about [the subject of tonight’s plot]” was a standard phrase. (“One” meant they were in District 1; “Adam” is the LAPD’s radio call sign for the letter A, their designation for two-officer patrol units; and “12” was the unit’s assigned beat.) As for the cruller, see the note on cops and doughnuts, above.

Ah, it’s the original Broadway cast of Pippin.
Pippin is a Tony Award-winning musical that debuted on Broadway in 1972. It was written by Stephen Schwartz with contributions from Bob Fosse, who also directed the original Broadway show. It takes the form of a play within a play, with a traveling troupe of players telling the story of a young prince searching for meaning.

[Sung.] Let the sunshine … let the …
Lyrics from the song “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures).” The song is the finale of the musical Hair, written by James Rado, Gerome Ragni, and Galt MacDermot, which opened on Broadway in 1968 and was adapted into a film in 1979. The medley “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” by The 5th Dimension became a number one song in 1969 and won two Grammy Awards in 1970. Sample lyrics: “Let the sunshine/Let the sunshine in/The sun … shine in.”

Yeah, yeah. Gimme a head with hair …
Lyrics from the title song to the musical Hair (see previous note). A version by The Cowsills became a big hit single in 1969, hitting number two on the charts (number one was “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” by The 5th Dimension). Sample lyrics: “Gimme a head with hair/Long, beautiful hair/Shining, gleaming/Streaming, flaxen, waxen …”

“Hey, Bill?” [Sung.] I got the wedding bell blues … –[Sung.] Doo doo doo doo …
“Wedding Bell Blues” is a song written and released by Laura Nyro in 1966. It initially made little impact, but a 1969 cover by The 5th Dimension became a number one hit. Sample lyrics: “Come on and marry me, Bill/I got the wedding bell blues.”

“What happened?” Well, you were in Alias Smith and Jones, and then you were out of work for a while, and now you’re here. Go figure. 
See above note on Alias Smith and Jones.

“Stay away from the green stuff, it’s very dangerous.” And stay away from the red acid. 
As immortalized in the Woodstock film and double album recording, stage announcements at the seminal 1969 Woodstock Music & Art Fair included warnings to stay away from the “brown acid” (LSD, in the form of brown blots on paper). Stage lighting designer and MC Chip Monck implored the audience: “The brown acid that is circulating . . . is not specifically too good. It is suggested that you do stay away from that. Of course, it’s your own trip, so be my guest, but please be advised that there is a warning on that one, okay?” Some Woodstock attendees have recalled that they liked the brown acid, but admitted that perhaps it was stronger than many people were used to.

“I don’t think the fungus killed him.” ‘Twas beauty killed the geek.
“Oh, no. It wasn’t the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast” is the last line in the 1933 film version of King Kong, spoken by Robert Armstrong in his role as showman and adventurer Carl Denham. Peter Jackson’s 2005 remake of the film also ends with this line, said by Jack Black in the Denham role.

Tonight on the USA Network: Swamp Thing vs. The Honeymooners. –[Sung.] Theme from The Jackie Gleason Show. –[Imitating.] Oh, you’re not bringing your evil in here, oh! To the moon.
See note on Starsky & Hutch, above. Swamp Thing is a creature from DC Comics made of sentient vegetable matter. It first appeared in 1971 and was later made famous by respected comic writer Alan Moore. A Swamp Thing TV show, starring stuntman Dick Durock in the title role, ran from 1990 to 1993 on the USA Network. The opening narration, spoken by Durock over shots of swamp scenery, said in part, “I was once a man. I know the evil men do. Do not bring your evil here.” The Honeymooners was a classic 1950s sitcom starring Jackie Gleason (imitated here) as everyman bus driver Ralph Kramden. Starting as a long-running series of sketches on Gleason’s The Cavalcade of Stars on the DuMont Network in 1950, The Honeymooners moved to CBS as part of The Jackie Gleason Show in 1952 before becoming a standalone sitcom from 1955-1956. “To the moon, Alice!” was one of Gleason’s many catchphrases, said as a hilarious threat of physical violence to his wife Alice. 

Dali’s Last Supper.
According to Christian scripture, the Last Supper was the final meal that Jesus Christ shared with his disciples before his arrest and crucifixion. It has been depicted in art many times, most famously by Leonardo da Vinci in the 1490s. Surrealist Salvador Dali really did paint his own version of the event in 1955: The Sacrament of the Last Supper. It’s … not as weird as you might expect.

“I know it can’t be proved …” But I’m Patti Page.
Patti Page (b. Clara Ann Fowler, 1927-2013) was an American singer who enjoyed enormous success in the 1950s, selling more than 100 million records over the course of her career. She was one of the few traditional pop singers who maintained her success during the ascendence of rock & roll in the 1960s. 

It’s like Tofutti, only better.
Tofutti is a soy-based ice cream substitute marketed to the lactose-intolerant, kosher, and vegetarian/vegan markets. It was created in the 1970s by New York caterer David Mintz, who had a number of Orthodox Jewish customers who could not eat meat and dairy together. The Tofutti brand also offers dairy-free sour cream and cheeses. 

“Remember the scroll?” Yeah, Rocky the Flying Squirrel? –[Imitating.] Again?
We finally decided after some confusion that Rocky the Flying Squirrel is being imitated here because the way they say “scroll” sounds a bit like “squirrel.” He starred in the animated TV series Rocky and His Friends, later called The Bullwinkle Show (ABC/NBC, 1959-1964). Created by Jay Ward Productions, the series has long been loved both by children and adults who appreciate the show’s wry humor and cultural satire. In an interstitial bit that frequently aired between longer cartoons, Bullwinkle the moose attempted a magic trick, with various payoffs. One exchange goes like this: 

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Presto!
Huge Lion, emerging from hat: ROAR!!!
Bullwinkle: Oops, wrong hat.

Other creatures that emerged unexpectedly from the hat included a tiger, a bear, a rhinoceros, Rocky, and Bullwinkle himself.

“Whatever it is …” [Sung.] I’m against it!
The song “I’m Against It,” written by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby, is performed by Groucho Marx as the opening number of the 1932 Marx Brothers comedy film Horse Feathers. Sample lyrics: “I don’t know what they have to say/It makes no difference anyway/Whatever it is/I’m against it!/No matter what it is or who commenced it/I’m against it!”

It’s not easy seeing green!
Kermit the Frog is a Muppet created by Jim Henson for the Washington, D.C.-area television puppet show Sam and Friends in 1955. He was one of the original Muppets to appear on Sesame Street (PBS/HBO, 1969-present), and he acted as the host and showrunner of The Muppet Show (ITV/syndication, 1976-1981). On both those shows and in the subsequent Muppet feature films, Kermit was performed by Henson until Henson’s death in 1990; Steve Whitmire then played Kermit until being replaced by Matt Vogel in 2017. “Bein’ Green” is a popular song Henson performed as Kermit on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show. Big Bird sang it at Henson’s memorial service; it has also been covered by Frank Sinatra, Lena Horne, Cee Lo Green, and others. Sample lyrics: “It’s not that easy being green/Having to spend each day the color of the leaves/When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold/Or something much more colorful like that.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Black Moses of Soul …
See above note.

[Groans.] Did I make you dress up like Lucie Arnaz last night?
Lucie Arnaz is the daughter of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, stars of the classic sitcom I Love Lucy (CBS, 1951-1957). She made many appearances in TV dramas and sitcoms in the 1960s and ‘70s, including a role as her mom’s daughter on the sitcom Here’s Lucy (CBS, 1968-1974). In 1985 she got her own short-lived sitcom, The Lucie Arnaz Show, and a late-night talk show in 1995; both lasted only one season. But she has enjoyed a lengthy and successful career in musical theater. 

Joshua Light Show.
The Joshua Light Show, named for creator Joshua White, is a visual effects display that is closely linked with the psychedelic rock concerts of the late 1960s. The effect is created by projecting light through a gently agitated pool of colored oil and water and was used as a backdrop during live concerts by such performers as Janis Joplin, The Who, and the Grateful Dead. It was also used for the cover of Iron Butterfly’s 1968 album In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

“Cindy, where’d you get this bracelet?” Cracker Jacks.
Cracker Jack is a snack consisting of caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts. Introduced in 1896, some food historians consider it the first junk food. In 1912, with a new box proclaiming “Toy Surprise Inside,” the manufacturer started offering a prize in every box. Originally it was a small metal or plastic toy—a whistle or compass, for instance. More recently, concerns over choking hazards for small children led to the toys being replaced by stickers, paper puzzles, or temporary tattoos, and in 2016, the company eliminated the prizes in favor of “digital prizes”—QR codes that link to games or other online activities.

“I know, my brother used to build radios …” Your brother Marconi?
Guglielmo Marconi (1874-1937) was an Italian engineer who invented a practical method of wireless telegraphy, better known as radio. He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1909, along with fellow pioneer Karl Ferdinand Braun, for his achievement.

Parker Lewis can’t lose.
Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (shortened to Parker Lewis for its last season) is a sitcom that aired on Fox from 1990 to 1993. Obviously inspired by the popular 1986 film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the series follows the exploits of Parker Lewis (played by Corin Nemec), a high school student who frequently narrates his ongoing quest for coolness and social status. The show often made references to then-current movies, songs, and celebrities, and used odd camera angles and editing to create a cartoon-like surrealism. 

[Announcer voice.] Did ancient astronauts carry radios to Egypt?
See above note on ancient astronauts.

[Sung.] It’s Kenner’s Give-A-Show Projector.
The Give-A-Show Projector was a plastic projector sold by Kenner from 1974-1976. It was basically just a strong light and a lens in a plastic case with a slot in it, where you could feed the “slides” that came with it. Each long slide had seven color pictures on it, which told a story as you moved the slide from one picture to the next, with the pictures projected on the wall in front of you.

“Analysis came up blank.” Brett Somers?
Brett Somers (1955-2006) was a comedic actress whose husky voice and huge round glasses made her a fixture on the TV game show Match Game from 1973 to 1981, when the show went off the air. Typical Match Game question: “Did you catch a glimpse of that girl on the corner? She has the world’s biggest [blank].” (The objective was for the celebrity players to fill in the blank and match the answer of the citizen player on their team.)

“Just like the fungus.” Among us.
See above note.

Hey, somebody painted the Kennedy Center green.
The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts is the busiest performing arts facility in the United States, hosting more than 2,200 performances and events annually, from classical and pop music to comedy to dance to film. The Kennedy Center is located on the Potomac River in Washington, D.C, next to the Watergate complex. It was designed by architect Edward Durell Stone, best known for the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) in New York City.

[Sung.] It’s an orangey sky, always with some other guy …
An accurate rendering of the most common “misheard” interpretation of lyrics from the 1978 song “Bye Bye Love” (a regular contender on “misheard lyrics” lists) by American rock band The Cars. Actual lyrics: “It’s an orange sky/Always it’s some other guy/It’s just a broken lullaby/Bye bye love/Bye bye love.” The phenomenon of mishearing a word or phrase as some other word or phrase, in such a way that it creates new meaning, is known as a mondegreen.

Jeez, Pops, use some Primatene.
Primatene Mist is an over-the-counter brand of epinephrine inhaler used to relieve bronchial asthma. Because the product contains chlorofluorocarbons, it was banned in the U.S. after 2011, and reintroduced in a non-CFC form in 2019.

Hey, it’s the Ludlum Library. –Look, there’s The Horshack Conspiracy. –The Forbin Conundrum. –There’s The Slingshack Congealment. –The Migraine Containment. –The Crankshaft McNogginbee. –The Polping Po-poo-poo. –The Klingla Kogluglu. –The Shreenshrack Regeengyne. –The Momaw Ma-moomoo. –The Greengreen Gagrinegagrinega. –The Lala Kalingalingaling. –The Kriskrack Krakrakra. –The McClavister Roysterette. –The Fadingee Feengachow.
Robert Ludlum (1927-2001) was a widely successful suspense author, selling more than 200 million books over the course of his career. Some of his better-known titles are The Osterman Weekend and The Bourne Identity. Most of the riffs in this list are just nonsense, but The Horshack Conspiracy refers to Arnold Horshack (played by Ron Palillo), one of the “Sweathogs” Mr. Kotter tried to teach in the 1975-1979 sitcom Welcome Back, Kotter. The Forbin Conundrum, likewise, may be a reference to the 1970 film Colossus: The Forbin Project, in which two advanced computer systems (one Soviet, one American) team up and begin plotting against their creators.

[Sung.] Get on your heartlight …
“Heartlight” is a song written by Neil Diamond, Burt Bacharach, and Carole Bayer Sager. Inspired by the glowing chest of the diminutive space alien in the film E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, Diamond’s 1982 version of the song remains the last of his eight number-one hits on the adult contemporary charts, as well as the last of his thirteen top-ten hits on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart. Sample lyrics: “Turn on your heartlight/In the middle of a young boy's dream/Don't wake me up too soon/Gonna take a ride across the moon/You and me.”

Bright lights, big mummy.
A riff on Bright Lights, Big City, a 1984 novel by Jay McInerney. The story of a young writer caught up in the superficial fast lane of yuppies in 1980s New York City, it was adapted into a 1988 movie starring Michael J. Fox. 

[Sung.] Theme from The Mod Squad. –The Mod Squad. In lime green!
See note on The Mod Squad, above. During the transition from black and white to color television programming, many programs proudly proclaimed “In Color” at the end of their opening title sequence. However, The Mod Squad wasn’t one of them; it aired in color beginning with its pilot episode.

Suzy Creamcheese, what’s got into you?
A line from the Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention song “The Return of the Son of Monster Magnet,” from the 1966 album Freak Out! The song begins with the following dialogue:

Man: Suzy?
Woman: Yes?
Man: Suzy Creamcheese?
Woman: Yes?
Man: This is the voice of your conscience baby ... uh, I just want to check one thing out with you ... you don't mind, do ya?
Woman: What?
Man: Suzy Creamcheese, honey, what's got into ya?

“Suzy Creamcheese” was a fictitious character created by the band in the early 1960s, appearing on album art and portrayed by various women during shows, including Jeannie Vassoir, Lisa Cohen, Pamela Zarubica, and Suzy Ziegler. The back cover of Freak Out! shows a photo of the Mothers with Frank asking via cartoon speech balloon, “Suzy Creamcheese, what’s got into you?”

[Wakka-chukka guitar riffs from “Theme from Shaft.”] –Shaft. Elevator shaft.
Shaft is a 1971 blaxploitation movie starring Richard Roundtree as John Shaft, a Harlem-based private detective. The movie’s theme song, written and performed by Isaac Hayes (see note on the Black Moses of Soul, above), was a hit single and features an iconic example of the “wakka-chukka” guitar riff that has become a self-contained punchline for any reference to the Blaxploitation genre or porn. Sample lyrics: “Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks?/Shaft!/You’re damn right.”

I’m liquid metal.
A paraphrased line from the 1991 science fiction film Terminator 2: Judgment Day, directed and co-written by James Cameron. In the film, Arnold Schwarzenegger reprises his role as a T-800 Terminator sent back in time from a future ruled by machines. Also sent back is a more advanced T-1000 Terminator (played by Robert Patrick) composed of a “mimetic polyalloy,” which Arnold describes as “liquid metal.”

School’s out. –Forever.
A line from the 1972 Alice Cooper song “School’s Out.” Sample lyrics: “School’s out for summer/School’s out forever/School’s been blown to pieces …”

Jan Brady like you’ve never seen her before.
The Brady Bunch is a sitcom (ABC, 1969-1974) that went on to international syndication. Jan (played by Eve Plumb) is the middle daughter of the blended Brady family, and many of the plot lines that revolved around her character had to do with the frustrations of being the often overlooked “middle child.” The role was later played by Geri Reischl (who was quickly dubbed “Fake Jan”) in The Brady Bunch Hour (a 1976 variety show), by Jennifer Elise Cox in the 1990s films, and by Ashley Drane in the 2002 TV film The Brady Bunch in the White House.

Liquid metal.
See above note on Terminator 2.

Calvin Coolidge jeans.
Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933) was the 30th president of the United States, from 1923-1929. He succeeded to the post after Warren G. Harding died in office. He was known as Silent Cal for his laconic manner of speaking. (The acerbic writer Dorothy Parker, when told of Coolidge’s death, asked, “How can they tell?”) Calvin Klein is a fashion designer whose line of jeans launched the “designer jeans” craze in the mid-1970s. Along with his highly successful clothing line, Klein also markets perfumes, linens, and underwear. Lots of underwear.

This is like the Dick Van Dyke episode where Laura got stuck in the elevator with Dick. –So, uh, the mummy would be the Don Rickles part? 
Created by Carl Reiner, The Dick Van Dyke Show is a TV sitcom that aired on CBS from 1961-1966; it has enjoyed a robust afterlife in syndication ever since. A fifteen-time Emmy Award winner, the series stars Dick Van Dyke as TV writer Rob Petrie and Mary Tyler Moore as his wife, Laura. Season 4, Episode 7 of the series, titled “4 ½,” which originally aired November 4, 1964, is about Rob and Laura getting robbed in an elevator, which then becomes stuck. While trapped, they ultimately become friends with the holdup man, played by comedian Don Rickles.

Liquid metal.
See above note.

Look, all I want is Ben Murphy’s autograph. I already got Peter Duel’s.
See above note on Alias Smith and Jones.

Did you check out Ludlum’s Mingmang Patingting?
See above note on Ludlum Library.

It’s like a two-way mood ring.
Mood rings were a 1970s fad that became a staple of pop culture and nostalgia. Created in 1975 by New York inventors Josh Reynolds and Maris Ambats, the gem in the ring is thermochromic—it changes color in response to temperature. Mood rings came with a chart that translated the color of the gem to the supposed mood of the wearer. They were phenomenally popular—Reynolds alone made more than $20 million in one year (the equivalent of about $120 million today)—but like most fads, the demand died quickly. Mood rings pop back up now and then, but they’re mostly marketed to kids these days.

[Sung.] You can tell by the way we use our walk, we’re women’s men, no time for talk …
Riffing on the Bee Gees song “Stayin’ Alive,” from the 1977 disco-centric film Saturday Night Fever and its chart-busting soundtrack album. The song spent four weeks at number one; the album stayed at number one on the album chart for 24 weeks and didn’t drop off the chart entirely for 120 weeks—or more than two years. Sample lyrics: “Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk/I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk/Music loud and women warm, I’ve been kicked around/Since I was born.”

Well, here’s Suzy Louganis off the ten meter. Well? Looks like a gainer.
American Olympic diver Greg Louganis won gold medals for both three-meter springboard and ten-meter platform diving in the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles and the 1988 Olympics in Seoul, South Korea. A “gainer” (also sometimes called a reverse) is when the diver stands facing the water and then rotates during their jump to face the board or platform. When Louganis famously hit his head on the three-meter springboard at the Seoul games, he was attempting a gainer with two and a half somersaults.

You are one lucky mamma jamma.
A popular MST3K riff with many variants, the origin of the word “mamma jamma” is the 1981 song “She’s a Bad Mama Jama (She’s Built, She’s Stacked),” written by Leon Haywood, which became a hit single for R&B and funk singer Carl Carlton. The song has appeared on countless compilation albums and has been extensively sampled on rap and hip-hop tracks.

Triple word score.
Scrabble is a classic board game by Hasbro, in which players draw seven letters apiece and then attempt to spell words on the game board, crossword puzzle-style. Eight of the squares on the board are bonus squares known as “triple-word score” squares; others will double your word score, double your letter score, or triple your letter score.

THX.
THX is a sound and visual standard for movies, games, car stereos, and computer speakers. Originally developed by Star Wars creator George Lucas’ Lucasfilm for Return of the Jedi (1983), it has become a kind of gold standard for high fidelity audio reproduction. Named for Lucasfilm audio engineer Tomlinson Holman (his initials, plus “X” for “crossover” or “experiment”), who invented the technology, the name is also a nod to Lucas’ first film: THX 1138 (1971). Spots announcing the use of THX audio in theaters and on home media have gained cult status of their own; they feature a distinctive sliding synthesizer note that begins quietly and builds to impressive volume and depth.

Honk if you hate this film.
“Honk if you love _____” has been a common bumper sticker formulation since the 1970s; one well-known example is “Honk If You Love Jesus.”

Cars across America.
The charitable event Hands Across America was held on May 25, 1986. On that day, about six million people joined hands from New York City to Long Beach, California, for 15 minutes. The chain covered more than 4,100 miles and had enough participants that had they been spread out evenly along the full length of the course, instead of concentrating mostly in cities and leaving rural areas uncovered, they would have stretched all the way across the country. As it was, it ultimately failed to create an unbroken human chain from coast to coast, so gaps were filled with ribbons, ropes, etc. The project raised $34 million and distributed about $15 million after expenses to local charities dealing with hunger and homelessness.

“Do you know if there’s any more of those crystals?” Oh, yeah. At Shirley MacLaine’s house.
In the 1980s, actress Shirley MacLaine became a major figure in the then-popular New Age movement. In her 1983 book Out on a Limb, MacLaine discussed her New Age beliefs, such as reincarnation, meditation, mediums who channel spirits, and UFOs. Another popular New Age belief is that certain kinds of crystals have healing properties, and MacLaine wrote positively about her experiences with crystals in her 1989 book, Going Within.

“What crystals?” Flavor crystals.
More than one food boasts of its “flavor crystals.” Folgers brand instant coffee, for example, identifies itself as “Folgers Flavor Crystals.” Cinn-A-Burst gum bragged “With FLAVOR CRYSTALS” on every pack.

Can I go back to my game? I was up to the third level of Metroid.
The original NES game Metroid was introduced in 1986—but, as the MST3K Wiki website points out, it “is comprised of rooms in one elaborate maze and not levels.” The game follows bounty hunter Samus Aran as she protects the galaxy from pirates and other baddies—including, of course, Metroids. The game has had multiple successful sequels.

I just don’t wanna look like Jackson Browne anymore.
Clyde Jackson Browne is a singer-songwriter who hit the height of his popularity in the late 1970s and early 1980s. His biggest commercial success was his 1977 album Running on Empty, the title song of which became a hit single. In addition to his own performing, he wrote songs for other artists, including Linda Ronstadt and the Eagles (“Take It Easy” was cowritten by Browne and Glenn Frey). At the time this episode aired, the fully adult Jackson Browne retained a very youthful appearance and hairstyle.

Hot child in the city. Mmmm.
“Hot Child in the City” is a 1978 song written and performed by English-Canadian singer-songwriter Nick Gilder. Though it held a Billboard record at the time for taking the longest time (21 weeks) to reach the top of the charts, it finally hit number one in the US and Canada in October 1978.

[Sung.] Oh, the Shower Massage by Water Pik has … huh?
TV commercials in the 1970s for the Shower Massage by Waterpik featured people of all ages really enjoying their shower and singing the product’s praises with a cheerful and somewhat suggestive jingle. Sample lyrics: “Why just turn on water/When the water can turn you on?/Oh, the Shower Massage by Waterpik/Has the power of good clean fun/So why just take a shower/When the Shower Massage is around …”

No, not the Mr. Bubble.
Mr. Bubble is a brand of bubble bath marketed chiefly to children. Introduced in 1961 by the Gold Seal Company, the brand is now owned by The Village Company. 

Hey, Di-Gel, you can’t get that anymore.
Di-Gel is a brand of OTC antacid/antiflatulent, used to treat indigestion, heartburn, and excess gas. You actually can still get it. 

“Jane!” [Sung.] His wife.
A line from the opening credits of the animated sitcom The Jetsons, which aired on ABC from 1962 to 1963. Hanna-Barbera’s answer to their own successful Stone Age animated sitcom The Flintstones (ABC, 1960-1966), The Jetsons was set 100 years in the future, or in 2062. The opening song introduces the family patriarch, George Jetson; Jane, his wife; and the rest of the family.

[Imitating.] I am the great and powerful Oz. Pay no attention to the man behind the boiler. 
In his two meetings with Dorothy and her friends (in the 1939 classic film The Wizard of Oz), the Wizard uses machinery, smoke, and flames to create an illusion of power. In their first encounter, he phrases the line slightly differently: “I am Oz, the great and powerful.” In their second (after they return from the Wicked Witch), he says, “Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz.” After they have discovered him (following the line “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain”), he says, “I am the great and powerful … Wizard of Oz,” trailing off into a despairing mumble. So he says several different versions of the same line, in both scenes.

They can’t run? This guy walks slower than Miss Jane Pittman.
Miss Jane Pittman is the elderly narrator of the 1971 novel The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman, written by Ernest J. Gaines, which tells the story of a woman born into slavery, who lives long enough to see the civil rights movement. It was adapted into a TV movie starring Cicely Tyson in 1974.

The prime of Miss Jane Pittman.
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie is a 1961 novel by Muriel Sparks about a teacher at a girls’ school in 1930s Edinburgh who becomes inappropriately involved in the personal lives of her students. She destroys her career—and some of their lives—as a result. It was made into a film starring Maggie Smith in 1969.

Oh, it’s just Dave Lennox, you know. He’s just there to change the filter.
Lennox International, founded in 1895 by Dave Lennox, is an American company that provides heating, air conditioning, ventilation and refrigeration products and services.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shari Belafonte-Harper. –[Sung.] The Price Is Right theme song.
See above note. The long-running game show The Price Is Right (1972-present) used to bring host Bob Barker (1923-2023) onto the stage by sliding apart two panels featuring the show’s logo.

Four to beam up.
A commonly heard command on the science fiction TV series Star Trek (NBC, 1966-1969) and its subsequent spinoff series and movies. “Beaming” up or down was the process of transporting people or materials by disassembling their molecular structure and reassembling it in a target location. 

Someone’s got their finger on a DX7 here.
The Yamaha DX7 was the first commercially successful digital synthesizer keyboard. Produced between 1983 and 1989, its relatively low cost and bright, flexible tone made it one of the best-selling synthesizers ever. Its distinctive sound is all over the pop music charts and movie soundtracks of the 1980s.

It’s a Fremen.
In the Dune science fiction books by novelist Frank Herbert (and the films based on them), the Fremen are a race of people who thrive in the harsh desert conditions of the planet Arrakis (aka Dune). Here is a description of Stilgar, a leader of one band of Fremen who later becomes a close friend and follower of Paul Atreides, the central character of the books: “A light tan robe completely enveloped the man except for a gap in the hood and black veil that exposed eyes of total blue—no white in them at all.”

He’s got an electric dance belt on. –Wasn’t Robert Redford in that?
Dance belts aren’t actually belts; they’re support garments worn by male dancers to support and conceal their packages onstage. Robert Redford starred in the 1979 romantic comedy film The Electric Horseman as a former rodeo champion who is hired to promote a breakfast cereal in Las Vegas by riding a $12 million racehorse decked out in a lit-up cowboy suit and saddle. However, after discovering the horse is being abused, he steals it so he can return the horse to the wild. Jane Fonda costars as an enterprising TV journalist who sets out to track him down.

You know, I recall reading in Video Watchdog that this sequence set the film $50 over budget.
Video Watchdog was a bimonthly magazine that covered a variety of genres, though its main focus was on horror, sci-fi, and fantasy films. Writers included horror luminaries like Kim Newman, Joe Dante, Ramsey Campbell, and Douglas E. Winter. It was published from 1990 to 2017.

Communion. Whitley Strieber. Jimmy Smits.
Communion: A True Story is a 1987 book by Whitley Strieber, in which he describes his alleged ongoing abductions and other interactions with nonhuman, possibly extraterrestrial, intelligent beings. Prior to its publication, Strieber was a horror novelist (The Wolfen, The Hunger); following Communion, Strieber published both fiction and nonfiction books, including four sequels to Communion. See note on Jimmy Smits, above.

Did ancient astronauts wear Lee Press On Nails?
See note on ancient astronauts, above. Lee Press On Nails are a brand of artificial women’s fingernails; they are made by Lee Pharmaceuticals.

“The crystal.” Crystal Gayle!
Crystal Gayle is an American country singer who was popular in the late 1970s and early 1980s; her biggest hit was the 1977 country/pop crossover song “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue.” Much of her fame lies in her incredible long, straight hair, which she maintains at floor length.

The Craw.
On the TV show Get Smart (see above note), one of the recurring villains was a Chinese man with a mechanical claw for his left hand, known only as The Claw (played by Leonard Strong). In the type of humor you could get away with in the 1960s, he was unable to pronounce the “L” in his moniker, leading the not-too-bright Maxwell Smart to assume his name was The Craw, to the villain’s eternal frustration.

You know, I think this is the worst movie we’ve ever seen here. –Oh really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? –Worse. Worse.
Show 102, The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy, first aired November 18, 1989. Though it was the second episode produced for the Comedy Channel (later Comedy Central), it appears to have been the first to air. The Crawling Eye, officially listed as Show 101, aired on November 25. The movie is an extremely low-budget 1957 Mexican horror feature, the third in a series of Aztec mummy movies, and a significant chunk of the film consists of recapping the contents of the first two.

What about Sidehackers? –Worse.
Show 202, The Sidehackers, first aired September 29, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. The movie is a 1969 dog’s breakfast of ugly violence, dumb megalomania, warm beer, grease stains, and lots of motorcycle racing. The movie also contained a brutal rape and murder, which was promptly cut, and which taught the writers to watch the films all the way through before committing to them.

Cave Dwellers? –Worse.
Show 301, Cave Dwellers, first aired June 1, 1991, the same day The Comedy Channel, after a brief interim as The Comedy Network, changed its name to Comedy Central. The movie brought the oiled and muscular Miles O’Keeffe into the MST3K universe as the sword-wielding, leather-clad, freshly shampooed scholar-warrior Ator. Some years later, Miles told the writers that he enjoyed their treatment of Cave Dwellers and invited them to hang out sometime.

Catalina Caper? –Worse.
Show 204, Catalina Caper, first aired October 13, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. The movie is a 1967 comedy starring Tommy Kirk, who leads a band of teenagers on a rollicking, tuneful set of misadventures on the sun-dappled waters around Catalina Island. Looking as if he had beamed in from another planet, Little Richard makes a musical cameo. After this one, the writers rarely attempted to riff another comedy. 

Pod People? –Worse.
Show 303, Pod People, first aired June 15, 1991. It is a 1983 Spanish film that started out as a straightforward story about a murderous alien, but following the success of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, was rewritten to jam in a cute kid and a “cute” (?) alien. The result is a jumbled, fog-shrouded mess backed by lots of new age music. 

Hellcats. –Oh, worse.
Show 209, The Hellcats, first aired December 8, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. The 1968 movie about drug running, vengeance, and a motorcycle gang is the work of producer and actor Tony Cardoza. It was his first venture without Coleman Francis directing following three previous collaborations with Francis that all became MST episodes: Show 621, The Beast of Yucca Flats; Show 609, The Skydivers; and Show 619, Red Zone Cuba. The Hellcats has all the subtle nuance of a Coleman film, but it was directed by Robert F. Slatzer, who was perhaps best known for claiming to have been briefly and secretly married to Marilyn Monroe in the 1950s. 

Daddy-O. –No, worse.
Show 307, Daddy-O, first aired July 20, 1991. A B-movie starring high-pantsed accordionist Dick Contino, the 1958 film is also notable as the scoring debut of John Williams, who went on to score Jaws (1975), Star Wars (1977), Jurassic Park (1993), etc.

Rocket Attack U.S.A.? –Worse.
Show 205, Rocket Attack U.S.A., first aired October 27, 1990, on The Comedy Channel; it featured Tom Servo’s briefly experimental cylindrical head and was the first episode with a stinger at the end of the credits. The 1961 movie is a drab and confused Cold War attempt to introduce science fiction into the then-booming anti-communism propaganda industry.

Earth vs. the Spider? –Oh, definitely worse.
Show 313, Earth vs. the Spider, first aired September 14, 1991, and is beloved for containing not one, but two direct references to the long-departed Dr. Laurence Erhardt of the KTMA and Season One years. The movie is a 1958 giant bug and balding high-schooler epic written, directed, and produced by Bert I. Gordon, one of eight of his masterpieces riffed on the show.

Ring of Terror. –Worse.
Show 206, Ring of Terror, first aired November 3, 1990, on The Comedy Channel; it is the only episode to feature a short (The Phantom Creeps: Part 3) after the feature and is the origin of the riff “Puma? Puma? Puma!” (pronounced “pyoo-mah”). The movie is a 1962 morality tale about the dangers of fraternity hazing among middle-aged college students.

It Conquered the World? –Ahhhh, um, yeah, worse.
Show 311, It Conquered the World, first aired August 24, 1991. Directed by Roger Corman, the 1956 movie stars Peter Graves, Beverly Garland, and Lee Van Cleef as a disgruntled physicist who colludes with Venusians on his ham radio to take over human society.

Lost Continent? –Oh, worse.
Show 208, Lost Continent, first aired November 24, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. The 1951 movie stars Hugh Beaumont and Cesar Romero and features lots of rock climbing. There are also dinosaurs and an active volcano, but mostly rock climbing. 

Moon Zero Two? –No! Worse.
Show 111, Moon Zero Two, first aired January 20, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. Released three months after the Apollo 11 moon landing, the 1969 movie, promoted in its day as “The first moon ‘western’,” tried to combine the look of 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) with the dramatic sensibilities of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In (NBC, 1968-1973). Results were mixed.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet. –[Laughs.] Worse, worse.
Show 104, Women of the Prehistoric Planet, first aired on February 10, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. It was the final episode produced for Season 1, but aired fourth. It also featured Josh Weinstein’s final appearance, Mike Nelson’s first speaking role (as the voice of the killer satellite), the first original song (“Clay and Lar’s Flesh Barn”) of the post-KTMA era, and the origin of the uber-catchphrase “Hi-keeba!” The 1966 movie is a deeply racist space opera in which paper-white earthlings lord it over the backward savages of a distant planet. Spoiler alert: turns out the planet is actually Earth! Damn you all to hell!

Time of the Apes. –Worse. 
Show 306, Time of the Apes, first aired on July 13, 1991. A Sandy Frank special, this movie is several episodes of the Japanese TV series Saru no Gundan (“Army of the Apes”; 1974-1975) crammed together into one runtime. The series was based on the 1963 Pierre Boulle novel La planète des singes, which also served as the basis for the Planet of the Apes franchise.

Wild Rebels. –Worse.
Show 207, Wild Rebels, first aired November 17, 1990, on The Comedy Channel, and showcased the writers’ efforts to expand Gypsy’s role on the show. The 1967 film is a low-budget attempt to cash in on both the (then-current) popular fear of motorcycle gangs and the 1960s cinematic love of anti-heroes. Real-life failed crooner Steve Alaimo stars as failed stock-car driver Rod Tillman, who stumbles into the employ of a bank-robbing biker gang and reluctantly turns police informant.

Stranded in Space? –Worse.
Show 305, Stranded in Space, first aired June 29, 1991, and was the first made-for-TV movie that MST3K took on in the post-KTMA era. An unsuccessful 1973 pilot for a TV series, it’s the story of a lost astronaut who finds himself on a twin Earth called Terra, orbiting on the opposite side of the sun. Show 312, Gamera vs. Guiron, also features a planet called Terra orbiting the sun 180 degrees opposite the Earth, and the planet Gor in Show 519, Outlaw (aka Outlaw of Gor), occupies the same position in space. The myth of a “counter-Earth” is actually a very old one, dating back to the fifth century BCE. It is attributed to the ancient Greek philosopher Philolaus.

King Dinosaur. –Worse.
Show 210, King Dinosaur, first aired December 22, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. The movie is a 1955 Bert I. Gordon quickie that relies heavily on footage borrowed from other movies. It tells the story of a group of American astronauts who discover an Earth-like planet populated by giant reptiles. They respond in the classic 1950s American fashion: they blow the place up with an atomic bomb. 

Mighty Jack. –Worse.
Show 314, Mighty Jack, first aired September 21, 1991, and is a do-over of KTMA Show K14—a curious bit of masochism, since the writers cite this as one of the worst movies they’ve ever done. The film is a disjointed 1968 Japanese high-tech James Bond ripoff, in the sense that there are secret agents running around and an evil organization bent on world domination. (It’s “high-tech” in the sense that there are secret spy boats, helicopters, and submarines, but they appear to be plastic toys filmed in what might actually be a bathtub.)

Rocketship X-M. –Worse.
Show 201, Rocketship X-M, first aired September 22, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. It introduced TV’s Frank as Dr. F’s new assistant and Kevin Murphy as the new voice of Tom Servo. The movie is a 1950 standard-issue sci-fi adventure that plays fast and loose with astrophysics and uses plenty of stock footage to tell the story of a bunch of guys and a pretty gal who embark on an expedition to the moon (eXpedition Moon, get it?) but somehow wind up on Mars instead. They spend a night camping, clash with the locals, and then scamper back to Earth, where their rocketship crashes and everybody dies. Thank you, good night. Lloyd Bridges stars. 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. –Worse.
Show 321, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, first aired December 21, 1991, and features the holiday classic “A Patrick Swayze Christmas” in one of the host segments. The movie, which has since also been riffed by Cinematic Titanic and Rifftrax, is an annoying 1964 mess that is a fixture on “Worst Movies Ever Made” lists. It features a preteen Pia Zadora displaying the full range of her acting talent, which would later elevate her career to the height of mediocrity. 

The Unearthly. –Mm, worse.
Show 320, The Unearthly, first aired December 14, 1991, and opens with a pair of MST3K’s most beloved shorts: Posture Pals, in which four status-hungry grade schoolers achieve social dominance through improved posture, and Appreciating Our Parents, in which a young lad gets a mildly hallucinogenic awakening to the value of helping out around the house. The 1957 title feature stars John Carradine as a mad scientist who cures depression by turning his patients into deformed zombies. But the copay was only $15. Also featured is the hulking Tor Johnson, uttering the immortal line “Time for go to bed!”

Teenage Cave Man. –Oh, worse.
Show 315, Teenage Cave Man, first aired November 9, 1991. The movie is a 1958 Roger Corman effort that clearly came in under budget, even for Corman. It features future Man from U.N.C.L.E. star Robert Vaughn as a rebellious teenage caveman in his mid-30s who defiantly questions caveman law.

First Spaceship on Venus. –Worse, worse.
Show 211, First Spaceship on Venus, first aired December 29, 1990, on The Comedy Channel. The movie is a 1960 East German/Polish space opera based on the Stanislaw Lem novel The Astronauts (Lem also wrote Solaris, the basis for the 2002 Steven Soderbergh film of the same name, as well as two other film adaptations). It features a multiracial and mixed-gender crew that arrives on the planet Venus only to discover it has been pre-nuked for their convenience. Some die horribly; the others return to Earth to continue their dogmatic, poorly dubbed anti-nuclear diatribes. 

Space Travelers? –Much worse.
Show 401, Space Travelers, first aired June 6, 1992, and to date remains the only Academy Award-winning film (for Best Special Visual Effects) that the writers took on. The 1969 movie is actually titled Marooned; it was retitled and sold to cable by Film Ventures International. Despite its all-star cast (Gene Hackman, Gregory Peck, David Janssen, Richard Crenna), the movie, especially when compared to, say, Apollo 13, is paced at about the speed of a matte painting. 

Giant Gila Monster. –Oh, a lot worse.
Show 402, The Giant Gila Monster, first aired June 13, 1992, and features a loving tribute to that golden era when public intoxication was funny. The 1959 movie was the work of a small independent Texas company and was made as a second feature to run alongside The Killer Shrews, which became Show 407. The story features teenagers, hot rods that look like bathtubs, sock hops, a forced perspective giant reptile, nitroglycerine, and, of course, funny drunks, one of whom is a “famous disc jockey.” Freshen that up for you?

The Monchingo Conginglium? –Huh?
See note on Ludlum Library, above.

Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better. –A ton worse.
Show 404, Teenagers from Outer Space, first aired June 27, 1992. The 1959 movie is one of nine MST3K movies to use Bronson Canyon, in the Los Angeles Griffith Park area, as a location. It’s the story of a group of middle-aged teenagers, sporting v-neck/turtleneck sweater hybrids enhanced with masking tape and wielding plastic ray guns, who’ve been dispatched to Earth to scout for grazing land for their “Gargon herds.” Gargons, it turns out, look a lot like lobsters. Just regular old lobsters, too—they didn’t even glue fake wings or extra claws on them. 

City Limits. –Worse.
Show 403, City Limits, first aired June 20, 1992, and features Joel’s deft use of an umbrella in silhouette to hide a brief bit of nudity on the screen. The movie is a low-budget 1985 post-apocalypse saga in which teenagers, synthesizers, motorcycles, and mullets converge upon the aligned low points in the careers of James Earl Jones, Robby Benson, and Kim Cattrall, to whom Crow sings an ardent ode of love. 

War of the Colossal Beast. –Worse.
Show 319, War of the Colossal Beast, first aired November 30, 1991, and features, hands down, the most popular short in MST3K history: Mr. B Natural, in which a prancing “man” with breasts and great legs appears in the bedroom of a preteen boy and persuades him to take up playing coronet in the school band. The 1958 movie is a sequel to Bert I. Gordon’s The Amazing Colossal Man (Show 309) and features a diapered 60-foot-tall Glenn Manning, who, it turns out, is not dead, but has nonetheless begun to decompose. He’s also developed a mighty hankering for baked goods.

The Amazing Colossal Man. –Worse. 
Show 309, The Amazing Colossal Man, first aired August 3, 1991. The 1957 film starred Glenn Langan in the title role, who also appears as Captain Ross in Show 104, Women of the Prehistoric Planet. His love interest, Carol Forrest, is played by Cathy Downs, who also plays love interest Dorothy Chappel in Show 808, The She-Creature. In Gordon’s Attack of the Puppet People, the main characters have a date at the drive-in where The Amazing Colossal Man is showing. Bert I. Gordon liked to recycle, is what we’re saying.

Fugitive Alien. –Worse.
Fugitive Alien was another film, like Mighty Jack, that they did on KTMA and then repeated later on Comedy Central. Show K12 first aired February 5, 1989, and Show 310 first aired August 17, 1991. It’s another Sandy Frank assemblage, this one pieced together from the 1978 Japanese TV show Suta Urufu, or Star Wolf. Based on a series of sci-fi novels by Edmond Hamilton, the show was about a human raised on a high-gravity planet, who subsequently developed super strength.

Fugitive Alien II. –Worse. 
MST3K also did the sequel film twice (see previous note). Show K03 first aired November 27, 1988, and Show 318 first aired November 16, 1991. The KTMA episode is the famous “lost episode”: as far as anyone can tell, no copy of it exists. The film consists of two more episodes of the Star Fox TV series spliced together.

Uhh, Master Ninja. –Worse.
Show 322, Master Ninja I, first aired January 11, 1992, and was followed a couple of weeks later on January 25 by Show 324, Master Ninja II. The “movie” is actually two episodes of the failed 1984 TV series The Master, which starred an aging, bored Lee Van Cleef as “the only Occidental American to ever become a ninja” and, as his young disciple, a nearly incoherent Timothy Van Patten. Van Patten later went on to an extremely successful career as a director, working on such TV series as The Wire, The Sopranos, Game of Thrones, and Black Mirror.

Really? Gamera? –Worse, worse. Worse, worse.
Another twofer. The KTMA version of Gamera, Show K05, first aired December 11, 1988. Show 302 first aired June 8, 1991, and features a touching love song from Tom Servo, perhaps the only known instance in western culture of a robot serenading a turtle. The 1965 movie is the first of the Japanese Gamera series about a flying, fire-breathing giant turtle who is “friend to all children” while also occasionally destroying large tracts of Tokyo and presumably killing thousands—including, presumably, children. 

Mmmm, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster. –Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Show 213, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, first aired February 2, 1991. The 1966 Japanese movie (also known as Ebirah, Horror of the Deep) is the seventh in the Godzilla series, featuring the venerable kaiju battling no fewer than three towering and/or flying opponents on lush Letchi Island. Originally the film was supposed to feature King Kong, which Toho had the rights to at the time, but they ended up swapping in Godzilla—a substitution that explains Godzilla’s uncharacteristic interest in local girl Daiyo.

Gamera vs. Zigra. –Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
The 1971 film Gamera vs. Zigra, the seventh entry in the Gamera series, was also done twice on the show: on KTMA as Show K07 on December 31, 1988, and on Comedy Central as Show 316 on October 19, 1991. Show 316 also features the first onscreen appearance of MST3K writer (and wife of Mike Nelson) Bridget Jones, playing Helen, one of the children from the movie. The film features aliens from the planet Zigra who are bent on Earth domination by way of a giant can opener monster, also called Zigra. Gamera, friend to all children, prevails. 

Vs. Barugon. –Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Show K04, Gamera vs. Barugon, first aired on KTMA December 4, 1988, and was redone for Comedy Central as Show 304, which first aired June 22, 1991.This 1966 entry into the Gamera canon is the sequel to the original film and has our heroic turtle battling a somewhat reptilian-canine hybrid with a freezing breath ray. 

Gamera vs. Guiron. –Worse, worse.
Gamera vs. Guiron first aired on KTMA as Show K08 on January 8, 1989, and then again as Show 312 on Comedy Central, which first aired September 7, 1991. The 1969 movie, the fifth in the series, features some particularly annoying children who accidentally steal a spaceship and wind up on a twin Earth, named Terra, on the other side of the sun (see note on Stranded in Space, above). Gamera has to rescue them from asteroids, cannibals, and a knife-headed critter named Guiron.

How ‘bout Castle of Fu Manchu? –Okay, I’ll grant you Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we’ve never done a worse film.
Show 323, The Castle of Fu Manchu, first aired January 18, 1992, and is considered one of the most difficult films the writers took on; as Paul Chaplin wrote in the ACEG, “We NEVER knew what was going on.” The 1969 movie features the white Christopher Lee in his fifth and last appearance as the Chinese supervillain Fu Manchu, in a painfully convoluted plot to dominate civilization. Something about opium crystals and/or a machine that freezes Earth’s oceans.